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Old October 12th, 2011, 10:27 PM
sgt.progress sgt.progress is offline
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Cool Taking back F****ing control. Sgt. Progress's journal

Hey guys im new here ive been a nice guy for waay to long. I started my whole process of getting over being a chump about 2 years ago. However i had a ton of other issues that I have slowly gotten over and have to say that I am no longer the typical nice guy. I dont act like a pushover and will stand up for myself but on a deep level I still dont value myself and see myself supplicating to others especially women. First a brief history

-Used to be massively depressed and super nice, i got some bad stories about it

-Had/have diagnosed social anxiety being around other people scared the shit outta me

-Naturally extroverted and alpha just years and years of bullshit "programming" by society has turned me into something that i am not and this is what frustrates me to no end!

-Have a very very hard time with girls, for many years my nice guy emotional repression or whatever you want to call it made me massively ashamed to even being a sexual creature

So let me update you on how im doing now, over this summer Im happy to say that ive pretty much licked depression at least the major form of it. I can wake up everyday and feel good about the day to come. I still get into weekly funks sometimes but I always find a way to break out now. In terms of social anxiety I have gone from somebody who couldnt look people in the face let alone talk to girls to somebody that relishes social contact. The first thing i want to do when i get into a room is talk to everyone. Not saying that Im always able to do it but the desire to hide/avoid is no longer there

Recently ive taken on an approach of learn,crash and burn. I no longer accept sitting and doing nothing i want to go out there and fail miserably because even when im failing I feel more alive than just sitting around accepting circumstances

Over the past month I have
-Gotten my first make out with a girl (a huge deal for a guy as bad as i used to be)
-Spent time alone/cuddled on a bed and made moves on a really hot blonde. That didnt work out because my nice guy tendencies to apologize for my feelings and actions fucked me over
- Have asked a ton of girls to hang out and have gotten shot down but not feeling bad about it at all, im feeling good that im doing something.

Im also doing really well in school this semester on the count of not being depressed and able to focus
The one thing that really really bothers me and makes me lose focus day to day is my lack of experience with girls. Just having turned 21 I feel WAY behind the curve when it comes to girls and relationships and I hold myself to a really high standard. That means that i judge myself constantly and if I am not achieving then it really gets me down.

I might be too hard on myself but going easy on myself never got me anywhere before. The only options i have are succeed and do well in life or fail and feel bad and then try again

okay now that you guys know my story a bit im going to start posting here just about every day on how i challenge myself and come out of my shell of being a nice guy. Im going out with friends tonight,thurs,fri,sat all to challenge myself and to grab life by the balls. ill have a detailed report of the night up by tom.

im happy to be on this forum with likeminded people. Its good to know that theres a place full of people that understand what us guys unlucky to be caught up in the nice guy bullshit when young feels like. Im motivated and i really look forward to hearing your guys feedback and welcome criticism. Wish me luck guys

-progress
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Old October 12th, 2011, 10:55 PM
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xCCx xCCx is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sgt.progress View Post
Over the past month I have
-Gotten my first make out with a girl (a huge deal for a guy as bad as i used to be)
-Spent time alone/cuddled on a bed and made moves on a really hot blonde. That didnt work out because my nice guy tendencies to apologize for my feelings and actions fucked me over
- Have asked a ton of girls to hang out and have gotten shot down but not feeling bad about it at all, im feeling good that im doing something.

Im also doing really well in school this semester on the count of not being depressed and able to focus
The one thing that really really bothers me and makes me lose focus day to day is my lack of experience with girls. Just having turned 21 I feel WAY behind the curve when it comes to girls and relationships and I hold myself to a really high standard. That means that i judge myself constantly and if I am not achieving then it really gets me down.

I might be too hard on myself but going easy on myself never got me anywhere before. The only options i have are succeed and do well in life or fail and feel bad and then try again
Nice to see another guy my age here! First thing you need to know is that you shouldn't feel ashamed for your perceived lack of progress on the girl front. If anything you should be proud that you've gotten as far as you have. I'm turning 22 next month and I still haven't kissed a girl.

I think you need to free yourself from being judged in relation to women. Part of that will require not pursuing women until you have worked through your other issues first, as sex or relationships in and of themselves are not what a guy should judge himself by, nor are they a shortcut to feeling fulfilled.

Have you read the book? I'm still in the middle of my breaking free exercises. They're a great way of making sure that nothing important gets left behind.

Last edited by xCCx; October 12th, 2011 at 11:35 PM..
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Old October 12th, 2011, 11:33 PM
sgt.progress sgt.progress is offline
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Hey man great to hear from you, yea im reading the book im on breaking free number 9 im taking it slow through the book to make sure that i get everything out of it and im going to go back and re read the sections i already have been through. I know one of my major problems is pushing myself to hard and relating how good i feel based on how i am progressing. I just gotta learn to feel good for just being myself
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Old October 13th, 2011, 03:48 PM
sgt.progress sgt.progress is offline
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10/13/11

so today was a good day. Hung out with friends last night even though i was feeling kinda shitty, had a great time. managed to wake up on time and go to class and finish that up quickly. Then went to the gym lifted weights and then walked around campus with a weighted bag to practice for climbing some mountains soon. I realize that my clothes are all really old, the newest shirt i own i got a year ago and alot of stuff is kind of worn out.

I suppose when you dont care about yourself that much you dont really notice these kinds of things. So first thing im going to do this weekend is sort out all the crap that is old and worn out in my closet and then start saving to buy some new clothes.

Tonight im having dinner with an old friend from highschool she is very cool and a really good friend of mine.

Afterwards I am going to a club with a buddy who is turning 21 and he is getting us in for free. my friend is an unabashed ladies man and i know he wont let me sit around and do nothing.
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Old October 13th, 2011, 04:25 PM
pheonix pheonix is offline
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Welcome aboard, you'vedefinatly cometo the right place.
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  #6  
Old October 13th, 2011, 07:40 PM
sgt.progress sgt.progress is offline
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Assignment #3: Share this with someone 10/6/11

Things that made me feel like it was not okay to be myself and how they made me feel

• No matter what happened in the house I never felt like I was good enough
• With all the fighting in the house I strove to be the one pillar everyone could stand on
• It felt like my needs were a far second to everyone else’s problems
• No one ever stopped to ask me how I was feeling about life. I was expected to take care of my emotions
• Not looked after emotionally. Self raised myself as far as learning about emotions and human relations.
• Felt like I was always a drag to others and that I didn’t deserve support but could only earn my keep if I gave to others constantly
• All of this made me feel very neglected, that kind of deep sucking pang of loneliness you get when you are left out or ignored. Then thought I should hide my feelings, became numb.

Assignment #4: “Attachments I use”: How I try to please others to prove my worth.

• Being nice to people even when they don’t deserve it
• Pretend to have things in common with people even when I don’t
• Be nice to people I dislike in order to avoid conflict
• Prove to people how tough I can be
• Have hobbies that people will like me for
• Seeming invulnerable to emotional pain or attachment
• Seeming like a perfect person who has no flaws
• Afraid to admit when I feel anything
• Give a lot to everyone and always be willing to do favors for people.
• Constantly seek approval from women
• Try to hide when im angry or unhappy or feeling aggressive
• Look for any sign that a woman likes me
• Never try to upset girls
• Try to talk about how American I am or how awesome my background is.


Breaking Free Activity #5 10/6/11
If you did not care what people thought of you, how would you live your life differently?
If you were not concerned with getting the approval of women, how would your relationships with the opposite sex be different?

• If I didn’t care about what people thought about me I don’t even know how I would act day to day. I do just about everything to make an impression on people. I don’t even know what my real personality would be like if I didn’t constantly try to please people or come off as someone they would like. I suppose I would be able to live my life without worrying as much day to day. The self hating that I have almost everyday would most likely go away because I would no longer feel that there is something inherently wrong with me all the time.
• If I didn’t care about getting the approval of women I feel my SA would go down so much, I could walk around without looking for every little sign of acceptance or rejection from women. I would be able to have a real sex life and make moves on girls without worrying if they are happy or sad or if they life/dislike me. I would feel alive and like a real person for once if I could stop giving a shit for real what people think.


Breaking Free Activity #6 10/6/11
Look over the lists above. Write down examples of situations in which you have tried to hide or distract attention from any of these perceived flaws. How effective do you think you are in keeping these things hidden from the people you love?


• That they are sexual.
• That they have bodily functions.
• That they are getting older.
• That they are losing their hair.
• That they have needs.
• That they are imperfect.

• I completely have done everything on this list and am embarrassed of the most basic human needs. I feel a huge amount of shame about my sexuality and do my best to hide it from my family. Whenever sex is mentioned I feel like I must do my best to pretend like I have no sex drive or desires. I am terrified of admitting that I am human and have desires just like everyone else
• I get hugely embarrassed about any bodily functions and toilet humor and don’t even like to admit that I have to eat.
• Getting older doesn’t really bother me
• Not losing my hair
• This one is the worst for me. I will do everything to prove to people that I am a machine and have no needs, no need for sex, love, emotions or connections. I have basically rejected my humanity because my sense of shame and guilt is so deep that I reject being even that
• I always try to be perfect and hate on myself whenever I am not.
• I think im very effective at keeping these things hidden or that other people just seem or pretend not to notice. I have almost made it a habit for people to never expect me to have any human needs or sexual desires. When I act human people seem surprised. When you reject your own humanity other people begin to see you as invisible.

Breaking Free Activity #7 10/6/11
Do you believe that people can see your human imperfections and still love you?
How would you be different if you knew the people who care about you would never leave you or stop loving you — no matter what?

• I think that they can but I don’t believe it in my heart. I hate showing any imperfections and just feel absolutely ashamed when people know that I am suffering. I tell some people that I know will care for me no matter what, but 99 percent of people I encounter from day to day will never see my weaknesses if I can help it. I feel like I have to be perfect above and beyond everyone else in order to get the same amount of love and acceptance. If im not at 200% I wont get what others get from each other at 25%
• If I knew that people could love and accept me no matter what, most of all it would put me at ease to act however I want. I know that this being at ease would actually bring people towards me. I would love to be able to live in peace and know that I can be a human being without suffering shame and humiliation. My biggest goal is to just have what normal people have.


Breaking Free Activity #8 10/6/11
Go back to the list of approval-seeking behaviors at the beginning of this chapter. Choose one of the ways you try to get external validation and do one of the following:
1) Go on a moratorium from this behavior. Set a period of time to stop doing it. Tell the people around you what you are doing. If you slip, tell a safe person about it. Use the slip as information about why, in that particular moment, you felt the need to get external approval.
2) Consciously do more of this behavior. This may not make logical sense, but it is a powerful way to explore any dysfunctional behavior. Observe how you feel when you consciously try harder to get external validation.

-Chosen activity for the week of 10/6/11 to 10/20/11

-Pretend to have things in common


BA#9oing things for yourself 10/12/11
• Buy new clothes
• Workout
• Spend time somewhere alone
• Listen to music
• Go out with friends
• Play video games
• Read or draw
• Play guitar
• Take a walk
• Buy myself something nice
• Take care of my appearance.


Thats what i got so far guys look forward to feedback!

i want to really go through this slowly and make sure i actually make progress on every step before upping the ante
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Old October 13th, 2011, 08:16 PM
RufWarrior RufWarrior is offline
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Take a look at my plan for single guys i my signature. I think the Bradshaw AUDIO book could help you, along with the rest of my plan
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RufWarrior's plan for the single guy wanting to recover, necessary for a fulfilling life and a healthy, sexual relationship with a really great woman
The Plan
Need support? Read and post on the threads of other men working the plan
Men reporting success with the plan
I am not trained in mental health. I just found resources to understand the natural laws about the problem, and solutions one would then understand.

Suggested reading on Networking and Doing Well in Your Career
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Old October 13th, 2011, 08:17 PM
sgt.progress sgt.progress is offline
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wow this looks really good, time to start following it ,ill keep u guys posted on that as well
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Old October 13th, 2011, 08:26 PM
RufWarrior RufWarrior is offline
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Originally Posted by sgt.progress View Post
wow this looks really good, time to start following it ,ill keep u guys posted on that as well
Try to go in order, and post updates, and try to not date until you get to the right point. It'll mess with your mind. But based on your BFE #3, I am recommending Bradshaw's audiobook for you. Hold off on the Susan Anderson book there, unless you really resonate with the abandoholic article, and if so, we'll talk since you are kind of young.
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RufWarrior's plan for the single guy wanting to recover, necessary for a fulfilling life and a healthy, sexual relationship with a really great woman
The Plan
Need support? Read and post on the threads of other men working the plan
Men reporting success with the plan
I am not trained in mental health. I just found resources to understand the natural laws about the problem, and solutions one would then understand.

Suggested reading on Networking and Doing Well in Your Career
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  #10  
Old February 27th, 2012, 06:47 PM
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Originally Posted by RufWarrior View Post
Try to go in order, and post updates, and try to not date until you get to the right point. It'll mess with your mind. But based on your BFE #3, I am recommending Bradshaw's audiobook for you. Hold off on the Susan Anderson book there, unless you really resonate with the abandoholic article, and if so, we'll talk since you are kind of young.
I'm quoting RufWarrior at the beginning of the thread. He predicted you might run into some problems--and you did. I'd say listen to homecoming. I remember it was very emotional the first time I listened to it. Keep doing the breaking free's and follow the plan. I think you can be a confident guy if you accept yourself--the plan is good for that.
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Old October 14th, 2011, 09:29 PM
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Originally Posted by RufWarrior View Post
Take a look at my plan for single guys i my signature. I think the Bradshaw AUDIO book could help you, along with the rest of my plan
Or, finish the NMMNG BFs. Ruf's plan has many aspects, but you may do better just working through the BFAs unless/until you start to feel stuck.
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Old October 13th, 2011, 10:12 PM
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You're so lucky you found this place at such a young age. Keep up the work... it's well worth it.
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Old October 14th, 2011, 09:17 PM
sgt.progress sgt.progress is offline
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10/14/11

Last night was nuts, we went to a club for a good friends 21st b-day we got a bottle and a table for 120 dollars which is about 20 dollars each b/w 6 guys zero cover and we skipped the line. We get in and already i know that i have to break out of my nuce guy patterns. So i get to talking to this super super hot girl and her friend. At this point i know what i have to do. the nice guy in me tells me to stop but im feeling good so i take a chance and do something ive never done before. I grabbed her hand and pulled her to the dance floor. Zero resistance from her. Her hot friend came as well and soon two diff girls were dancing with me trying to get me to dance with them alone. I mean this is me were talking about wtf?? All of this happened because i took that chance. Then i danced with the first hot girl for about an hour and a half on and off and got very very sexual on the dance floor. At one point she put my hands on her breasts and then was face to face with me about an inch from me. This was my shot to get that next kiss....but i bitched out. Missed my fucking chance , got her phone number and guess what she tells me "ure a sweet guy" FUCK thats girl speak for "ill never hook up with you" So that obviously didnt work out.

Tonight heading to two more parties with some friends and im going to try to be social and not make the same stupid mistake maybe get that second kiss but definitely kill a little more of mr.nice guy inside me i was thinking about all you dudes on this site when decision time came and said goddamit i gotta do it for all of us!!!
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Old October 14th, 2011, 09:36 PM
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Originally Posted by sgt.progress View Post
10/14/11

Last night was nuts, we went to a club for a good friends 21st b-day we got a bottle and a table for 120 dollars which is about 20 dollars each b/w 6 guys zero cover and we skipped the line. We get in and already i know that i have to break out of my nuce guy patterns. So i get to talking to this super super hot girl and her friend. At this point i know what i have to do. the nice guy in me tells me to stop but im feeling good so i take a chance and do something ive never done before. I grabbed her hand and pulled her to the dance floor. Zero resistance from her. Her hot friend came as well and soon two diff girls were dancing with me trying to get me to dance with them alone. I mean this is me were talking about wtf?? All of this happened because i took that chance. Then i danced with the first hot girl for about an hour and a half on and off and got very very sexual on the dance floor. At one point she put my hands on her breasts and then was face to face with me about an inch from me. This was my shot to get that next kiss....but i bitched out. Missed my fucking chance , got her phone number and guess what she tells me "ure a sweet guy" FUCK thats girl speak for "ill never hook up with you" So that obviously didnt work out.

Tonight heading to two more parties with some friends and im going to try to be social and not make the same stupid mistake maybe get that second kiss but definitely kill a little more of mr.nice guy inside me i was thinking about all you dudes on this site when decision time came and said goddamit i gotta do it for all of us!!!
That's terrific! But keep working the plan. Otherwise you might get real sexual, but in the end find that you are selling your soul for a little pussy.
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“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable.” H Keller

Who are you?
What do you want?
What do you need to fulfill your purpose and live a good life?
What are you DOING about it?
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Old October 14th, 2011, 09:40 PM
sgt.progress sgt.progress is offline
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oh man yea i definitely know that. Last night i was keeping some of my attachments and excuses in mind and trying to avoid that behavior last night. I am doing this to prove myself and come up to a normal level as a guy. I know that having sexual experiences are something that alot of us guys struggle with and its really a symptom of the nice guyness but its a great way to challenge those behaviors.

Im still on breaking free 10 with my affirmations. I read them 4-5 times a day.
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