What to do when your wife is taking her frustrations out on the kids

[JackNicholson]

Originally Posted by Louie

We have small children (aged 3 and 6) and my wife is a stay at home mom. Our 3 year old is a kinetic learner.

Does the younger one behave the same way with other adults? I've got to ask because my two nephews (almost 3 and 4) are real angels with their professional child-minder, but they won't behave the same way at all when their mom and dad are around. Same goes with me actually, my two nephews respect me a lot more than their dad and their mom (also, I've suggested that we don't feed them sweets, and I believe that helps a little, although their parents will still give them sweets against my advice still sometimes, and I believe that makes them more hyper).

This is not to say that they're perfect (even with the right adult supervision), but I believe that having the right levers in place helps. I truly believe that kids this age know exactly what they're doing, that's why they'll modify their behaviors exactly to fit the standards of whichever adult is in charge of them at each very moment.

Originally Posted by Louie

He is always moving and touching things and climbing on things and it drives my wife nuts.

Same here with my nephews, but I'm mostly driven nuts when we're out in a nice restaurant (they almost toppled some very expensive-looking statues). If the restaurant is made for kids, or if we're at their home where most things are child-proof enough (not that anything can truly be made to be child-proof), or if things are cheap enough that they can be replaced if broken, and hopefully, as long as they don't hurt themselves too much when falling from high, then I don't worry about it too much.

If anything, may be you shouldn't try to fix your wife's feelings when she blows up. She's going to feel angry at times, that's going to be totally normal. If you want her to let go of her anger, don't try to attenuate her anger when it happens, acknowledge it, but don't try to judge it, or defend the kids, or whatever else you do to try to improve her mood (people hate it when someone else tries to control *their* feelings, and she may even become more angry because of such an intervention). And if you don't agree with a decision she made, speak to her about it privately (but later on when her emotions are not in play anymore).

Also,give your wife a way to "tag" you or call for a "time out" without feeling the need for her to blow up so you can take over for her. Sometimes, a few minutes by oneself is all that's needed (for either the parent or the kid).

And finally, make sure that your wife isn't depressed. It's super easy for a stay-at-home wife with kids to get depressed and angry all the time. Consider the unthinkable if this is what you think is happening. Make her get a part-time job outside of the home, or whatever else would get her outside again, sometimes you have to take new drastic actions in the face of new problems.

- Jack