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  #196  
Old March 26th, 2012, 08:27 PM
DarkStar DarkStar is offline
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Journey From Heartbreak To Connection

Chapter 11: Transcending (cont'd)


V. Take an Action Every Day to Increase Opportunities for Love

p295

AKERU EXERCISE

Make copies of the Daily Goals Chart and use a fresh one each day as a way of staying on target.

Add Love to Your Daily Exercise Regimen

DAILY GOALS CHART

1. Describe how you plan to get into the moment with at least one person today.


Talk to my roommate and ask him how was work today.

2. Perform your Big/Little Dialogue and describe how you plan to attend to Little's requests for love today.

I did my Big/Little Dialogue earlier and I am attending to Little's needs by working on my to do list. Procrastinating undermines Little's needs, so working on things I need to do supports them. I also practiced self-love by working out.

3. Visualize your Dream House and describe renovations that will inspire your ability to increase your love capacity -- just by living there.

No renovations today, but I did visualize my Dream House.

4. Think about what Outer Child is up to. Does Outer tend to procrastinate when it comes to tasks that might otherwise help you find greater life or love? Describe today's plan to overrule Outer's attempt to sabotage your love efforts.

Yes, Outer does tend to procrastinate. Today's plan is to work on my to do list. Not just doing items but working on the format of my to do list. Part of that is including these 5 questions and including the other Akeru exercises.

5. Plan one activity for today that will increase your opportunity to learn more about who you are becoming.

On this particular day, that activity is working on this workbook.

p296

Lifting to Perspective

SWIRLING THROUGH THE STAGES

Going Through Shattering


__X__I'm gaining self-reliance from surviving the experience of being separated and alone.
__X__I'm learning about my patterns of abandonment and how they have kept me outside of love.
__X__I'm facing the fears that keep me stuck in old patterns.
__X__I'm administering to primal feelings reawakened from my lost childhood.
__X__I'm learning how to center in as a beginning point of recovery.
__X__I'm using my senses to get into the moment.
__X__I'm using the moment's power to deal with life's most uncomfortable emotions.
__X__I'm learning to cleanse my abandonment wound of negative messages left over from previous rejections and hurts.
__X__I'm creating a sacred space within--a beginning point of renewal and healing.

Going Through Withdrawal

__X__I'm gaining emotional wisdom by discovering my oldest and most important feelings and needs.
__X__I'm identifying emotional baggage from past wounds.
__X__I'm learning how to work feelings through.
__X__I'm learning about my control issues and how they make it difficult to let go.
__X__I'm learning how to interpret the longing and yearning I feel toward my abandoner, not as proof of how special she is but as evidence of my need of self-love.
__X__I'm getting in touch with the source of my emotional hunger, identifying times of deprivation in childhood and adult relationships.
__X__I'm learning to put my emotional wisdom to work by creating a daily dialogue with my inner feelings.
__X__I'm addressing my most basic emotional needs directly, rather than medicating them with substances, people, obsessive thoughts, and other compulsive behaviors.
__X__I'm learning to resolve the conflict between what I know intellectually and what I want emotionally.
__X__I'm learning to accept my separateness as a human being.
__X__I'm learning to honor the importance of my existence.

Going Through Internalizing

__X__I'm developing integrity by facing my core emotional truths.
__X__I'm reevaluating my deeply held aspirations, values, and goals.
__X__I'm learning how to resolve insecurity created during times when my sense of self was injured.
__X__I'm identifying the emotional blockades holding me back.
__X__I'm learning to accept life on life's terms by facing my reality in one gulp.
__X__I'm learning how not to falsely attribute my feelings to the wrong cause.
__X__I'm letting go of my need to have others fill my emotional void.
__X__I'm discovering an internal resource for healing -- my imagination.
__X__I'm using my imagination to increase my sense of entitlement and establish a new foundation of principles into my life.
__X__I'm using my imagination to build self-esteem, expand my vision, and target new goals.
__X__I'm learning to identify whether I or someone I know might be love challenged.
__X__I'm discovering the creative process of love.
__X__I'm learning to delay gratification to achieve long-range goals.
__X__I'm reviving lost hopes and dreams, including my dreams of love.
__X__I'm learning how to use love as an action verb.

Going Through Rage

__X__I'm learning to redirect my anger into healthy aggression.
__X__I'm identifying anger and resentment bottled up from past rejections and losses.
__X__I'm gaining insight into the Outer Child behaviors that interfere in my relationships.
__X__I'm learning to lay aside perfectionism.
__X__I'm learning to perform corrections as a way of practicing positive change.
__X__I'm letting others be who they are, learning to love unconditionally.
__X__I'm letting go of the need to control others.
__X__I'm learning the rewards of self-discipline.
__X__I'm asserting my needs with greater control of my attitudes and behavior.
__X__I'm learning to take responsibility for where my life is now.

Going Through Lifting

__X__I'm learning to reach out for a higher level of love.
__X__I'm identifying the emotional calluses that may have formed over my old wounds.
__X__By filing away old calluses, I'm finding my way back to my soft emotional center.
__X__I'm learning to remain open to my vulnerability.
__X__I'm reestablishing emotional contact with myself, discovering that I'm more able to connect with love to others.
__X__I'm learning to create a higher purpose for love to serve in my life.
__X__I'm learning to integrate the tools of abandonment recovery into a life plan for increasing this capacity for love on a daily basis.
__X__I'm learning how to reach out to others in my community who need my support.
__X__I'm learning how to participate in a person-to-person effort to end isolation and loneliness in the world.
__X__I'm adding my voice to a collective forum of abandonment survivors whose wisdom can enhance recovery around the world.
__X__I'm about to learn about the Five-Point Action Plan for Making a New Connection.
__X__I will learn how to take actions in the direction of making a new connection.
_____I will learn how to join (or start) abandonment support groups.


p298

More Food for Thought

Abandonment survivors' spiritual perspectives run the gamut. Some have a concept of God, others tend more toward the existential. Some belong to traditional religious sects, others create an individual path of oneness with the universe. Describe your current spiritual perspective and how it serves your need to gain a sense of purpose and meaning in your life.


This is a tough one. I don't have a strong sense of my spirituality. I was raised Catholic but I don't practice. I believe in being a good person and believe in the Golden Rule, and a lot of what the church teaches but I'm not sure if I believe in God or not. I have hope but I'm not sure I can say I have faith.

In any case, I believe in being the best person I can, and treating others well. I believe in judging the sin and not the sinner. I believe in taking care of our planet. I would like to learn more about other religions and see if I can find something I relate to.

I can't say how my spiritual perspective serves my nee to gain a sense of purpose and meaning in my life. Maybe figuring that out would help me.

How does this purpose relate to your need for love?

?

What insights and tools can you use to attain this?

Perhaps reading more books on religion and spirituality...
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  #197  
Old March 26th, 2012, 10:50 PM
VikingFromDk VikingFromDk is offline
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You are working incredibly hard DarkStar, it is great to see someone so committed to seing it through on personal development. Keep going, you are both doing alot for yourself and also alot for others by sharing your work and commitment.

Just wanted to give you props for all that you are doing
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  #198  
Old March 26th, 2012, 11:46 PM
DarkStar DarkStar is offline
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You are working incredibly hard DarkStar, it is great to see someone so committed to seing it through on personal development. Keep going, you are both doing alot for yourself and also alot for others by sharing your work and commitment.

Just wanted to give you props for all that you are doing
Thanks, Viking! I really appreciate your kind words of support. It has been a long road already but I'm very excited to have found the direction and will to see this through to a fulfilling life.
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  #199  
Old March 26th, 2012, 11:53 PM
DarkStar DarkStar is offline
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I'm getting back into Belief10's thread now. There are some great posts around pages 8-10 about the importance of sticking through RufWarrior's plan for those of us who are doing his plan.

If I get tempted to go back to dating early (which I don't think I will), I'll have to remember to check back to that part of Belief's thread. It's a really long thread, but I know it's in the plan for a reason. I'm going to try to read 3-4 pages or so a day, and that way I'll be able to get through it in the next week or two.
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  #200  
Old March 27th, 2012, 08:41 AM
RufWarrior RufWarrior is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkStar View Post
Regarding my search for safe people, this is not going very well. It may be in part because I'm focusing a lot of time being a book worm working through Journey. I know that isn't a good way to be well-rounded but I think I just have this desire to attack that workbook full force right now. My feeling is that I want to put thoughts of my recent ex in the past and let her go, but a lot of the book goes into re-hashing that stuff. It is good work and needs to be done but I feel that the sooner I complete the workbook, the sooner I can get into a more solid Lifting phase.

Pro-actively meeting new friends is actually one of the hardest things for me. I think Meetup.com could help, possibly taking some classes for fun or finding social contexts related to my hobbies.
I think meeting safe people is one of the most important parts of the recovery, and will help you let go of the ex a lot.

For me, I did all these things in the wrong order. I was very upset about my dream girl moving away, got on eHarmony, and met my wife. I did not consider her potential at the time, but she was always available, which no one had ever been for me, and I could talk to her about anything. She was the safest person I had ever met, and still is. I took my time before we became anything. In retrospect, I chose her for the safety, rather than sexual attraction, house skills, etc, and that is what I get. I have someone I can always talk to and do activities with, but the house isn't in the best condition, and the sex has never been all that great not helped by my use of porn and such. But having her safety, did wonders for my recovery, though it still took more books and other safe men that I found later (and going down with the church girl which led me to Bradshaw and Anderson). But when I met my wife, I had already read HTGADWK, so I knew how to judge character and create abundance (later in the plan, but back then, there was no plan).
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  #201  
Old March 27th, 2012, 01:01 PM
DarkStar DarkStar is offline
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I think meeting safe people is one of the most important parts of the recovery, and will help you let go of the ex a lot.

For me, I did all these things in the wrong order. I was very upset about my dream girl moving away, got on eHarmony, and met my wife. I did not consider her potential at the time, but she was always available, which no one had ever been for me, and I could talk to her about anything. She was the safest person I had ever met, and still is. I took my time before we became anything. In retrospect, I chose her for the safety, rather than sexual attraction, house skills, etc, and that is what I get. I have someone I can always talk to and do activities with, but the house isn't in the best condition, and the sex has never been all that great not helped by my use of porn and such. But having her safety, did wonders for my recovery, though it still took more books and other safe men that I found later (and going down with the church girl which led me to Bradshaw and Anderson). But when I met my wife, I had already read HTGADWK, so I knew how to judge character and create abundance (later in the plan, but back then, there was no plan).
Thanks, Ruf. I see what you're saying. I know I need to get out and meet more safe people, especially guy friends. I've had a lot of guy friends in the past, but over the last few years after I left college and moved to a new town, I've not had many new ones, at least locally.

Looking back, even though I'm typically friendly to anyone who comes into my world, I've never really been the one to initiate the friendships I've had. So maybe there is some kind of a SLB and fear/anxiety I've built up about it.

I guess during this Step 2 of the plan, I've been allowing myself to be distracted by Journey From Heartbreak to Connection and obsessed with finishing it before working on other parts of Step 2. Luckily I'm almost done with Journey, but I don't think it will make it any easier. Maybe the book, Safe People, will help with this.
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  #202  
Old March 27th, 2012, 01:36 PM
DarkStar DarkStar is offline
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over the last few years after I left college and moved to a new town, I've not had many new ones, at least locally.
I should rephrase that: I have not had many new ones, especially locally. LOL.
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  #203  
Old March 27th, 2012, 09:38 PM
HustleAndFlow HustleAndFlow is offline
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Thanks, Ruf. I see what you're saying. I know I need to get out and meet more safe people, especially guy friends. I've had a lot of guy friends in the past, but over the last few years after I left college and moved to a new town, I've not had many new ones, at least locally.

Looking back, even though I'm typically friendly to anyone who comes into my world, I've never really been the one to initiate the friendships I've had. So maybe there is some kind of a SLB and fear/anxiety I've built up about it.

I guess during this Step 2 of the plan, I've been allowing myself to be distracted by Journey From Heartbreak to Connection and obsessed with finishing it before working on other parts of Step 2. Luckily I'm almost done with Journey, but I don't think it will make it any easier. Maybe the book, Safe People, will help with this.
Definitely a difficult part but a very important one. A good group of guy friends will be a solid support system for everything you go through. Especially when you start to date. Even if things don't work out with a new girl, you'll always have your buds to help you blow off steam. I'm working on this now too, it seems like a long process though. Dont be afraid to step out of your comfort zone either. I go shooting about once a month with some guys, up until this year I've never shot a real gun. It was a lot of fun surprisingly. I feel some friendships developing with a few guys I work with but I still struggle with really being myself sometimes. I plan on reading safe people afther I finish Anderson also. Hopefully it helps, let me know how you like it when you get going on the book.
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  #204  
Old March 27th, 2012, 10:00 PM
RufWarrior RufWarrior is offline
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As you'll read in Safe People:

- they help you feel comfortable with your own skin
- with that comfort it is much easier to walk away from bad situations
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I am not trained in mental health. I just found resources to understand the natural laws about the problem, and solutions one would then understand.

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  #205  
Old March 28th, 2012, 10:15 AM
DarkStar DarkStar is offline
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Originally Posted by HustleAndFlow View Post
Definitely a difficult part but a very important one. A good group of guy friends will be a solid support system for everything you go through. Especially when you start to date. Even if things don't work out with a new girl, you'll always have your buds to help you blow off steam. I'm working on this now too, it seems like a long process though. Dont be afraid to step out of your comfort zone either. I go shooting about once a month with some guys, up until this year I've never shot a real gun. It was a lot of fun surprisingly. I feel some friendships developing with a few guys I work with but I still struggle with really being myself sometimes. I plan on reading safe people afther I finish Anderson also. Hopefully it helps, let me know how you like it when you get going on the book.
Good points. I'm definitely believing in the value of guy friendships. That's cool you've taken up marksmanship. It's funny, I used to be quite disinterested in guns, as if I were above them. I think I was scared of them because I was focused on the negatives they bring to society.

Now I just view these negatives through the perspective of that famous Ben Franklin saying that with great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately, there are a lot of irresponsible people out there, but that doesn't mean I can't exercise my responsibility.

So over the last few years I've grown quite interested in trying out shooting but I still haven't yet. There's no use in me waiting around for someone to come into my life who will teach me, so maybe I can look into what kind of training is available for noobs at gun ranges and what not. I think paintball would be a lot of fun too. Maybe I can find a Meetup group for these things.

Taking more initiative in exploring my own interests would likely act as a springboard to making more friendships. It has definitely been true in the past that most of my friendships grew out of the hobbies I've had. In Chapter 12, Anderson goes into this topic as the part of the action plan to recovery.

I'll definitely post back about how I like Safe People as I get into it. I'm going to start it very soon, maybe later today.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RufWarrior View Post
As you'll read in Safe People:

- they help you feel comfortable with your own skin
- with that comfort it is much easier to walk away from bad situations
This will be useful to me for sure. Those are two things I presently struggle with. I imagine that breaking free to where I have those two issues handled will be a major turning point in my recovery from NG-ism.
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  #206  
Old March 28th, 2012, 10:25 AM
DarkStar DarkStar is offline
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Journey From Heartbreak To Connection

Chapter 12: Connecting


Take a moment to practice the Swan Lesson Gestures, one after another in succession, and then combine them into one fluid movement. Make your own unique signature of healing.

1. Centering: Cross your hands on your chest.

2. Cleansing: Push your hands away from your chest.

3. Attending: Tilt your head to the side.

4. Separating: Lift your face.

5. Beholding: Lift your chest.

6. Accepting: Take a deep breath.

7. Increasing Love: Press the warmth of your palms into your heart.

8. Letting: Open your hand.

9. Reaching Out: Extend your hand.

10. Integrating and Owning: Wrap your arms around yourself.

11. Transcending: Gaze skyward.

12. Connecting: Open your arms.


What issues do you think led to Alma's wanting to end her marriage?

Oh man, that is a loaded question! To the fault of Alma, she has not dealt with her fear of engulfment. She has abandonment issues to deal with that are at the core of her tendency to re-write history and say she never loved Tim.

On the flip side, Tim's own abandonment issues are not to be overlooked. He got clingy and needy when his wife started slipping away. A normal and natural response, but not a healthy one. If he had gone through this workbook, perhaps he wouldn't have ended up like this.

In fact, it was mentioned that Tim is a nice guy, and perhaps it should have been written "Nice Guy". Perhaps if he had his own passions outside of the marriage, Alma would have remained attracted. While Alma had her own issues, I'm preferring to put the responsibility on Tim, as Tim is the man, and I can relate to him more.

I can also relate to him more because he is the one with fear of abandonment, which I seem to have more than fear of engulfment. So like me, he needs to fix himself, and then his wife may follow. Or else he can dump her ass and go on a man whore spree

Do you feel Tim was at fault? Why? Why not?

Ah, shoot, I should have read ahead before going off on the previous question. "At fault" is not necessarily the best wording. I mean, it's not his fault that we are wired this way to play what seems to be a game. Woman *thinks* she wants dudes like Edmund to give up his boat, stop playing golf, etc., and yet if that happened she'd resent him for being too available. So yeah it's not Tim's fault that women are crazy. But in fact, it's not women's fault either. I'm sure evolution made their craziness advantageous to passing on their genes so I don't hold it against them.

But that said, yes, Tim is at fault for not doing a Google search, finding NMMNG and doing his Breaking Free's and Ruf's plan.

What do you make of Alma's tendency to minimize Tim's pain? What allows her to remain oblivious to his abandonment grief?

Um, she's a crazy b? J/k. Well, she only sees it from her perspective which is that she is being smothered. She can't understand what would make a man act this way.

In leaving Tim, was Alma acting out or acting on her own behalf?

She was acting out really. Her Outer was calling the shots. She should have performed a correction by talking to Tim and telling her how she felt. They could have worked together to find a solution through counseling, and Anderson, and NMMNG. She thought she was acting on her own behalf but really she will never be happy because she'll either be the hunter or the hunted and never find the happy medium of an IM. Since IM's are so hard to find, her best bet would have been to talk to Tim and help him realize that he's a NG, which might have allowed him to work towards becoming integrated for his own fulfillment, which would have benefitted her in return.

Do you think she would have been able to break her secure connection with Tim without overlapping into an emotionally intense affair with a third party -- Brendan?

Well she stated that he was the incentive for her to finally leave Tim. As she was unhealthy, she probably would not have been able to break the secure connection with Tim without overlapping into infidelity first. If she had been a healthy person without her fear of engulfment issues, then yet, she would have just been able to leave on her own because she would have had the strength to stand on her own self-love rather than needing the thrill of the chase or the security of an enmesher to survive.

Did her plan backfire? If so, why?

Yes, because little did she know, Brendan had fear of engulfment too. As soon as Alma became available, he lost his attraction to her and bounced out.

Does Alma seem to have insight into these dynamics?

No. When Anderson pointed out that Alma only goes after unavailable partners, Alma agrees at first, but then she justifies it by saying that she never meets anyone who IS available. So she is blind to available partners and dismisses as people who just aren't her type.

After Anderson explains it, Alma even goes on to chase Edmund and drives him away by acting the same way as Tim acted towards her, which drove her away.

Circle those you think might be loved challenged: Alma, Tim, Brendan, Edmund. What was there about Edmund's personality that hooked Alma?

I'd say all of the above. Edmund's personality hooked Alma because his alpha qualities. Specifically, it sounded more like a jerk type of alpha, not the IM type of alpha male. He gets his needs met and has an outside life but he doesn't feel enough abundance to bother following through on the commitments he makes to his woman. He doesn't make constructive decisions with his women, only destructive win/lose decisions. The example being that he was always an hour late to his dates, and ditched her for hours at a time while they were out together. But really, from an abandonment perspective, Alma was strongly attracted to Tim because he was unavailable.

What do you think Brendan and Edmund might have in common?

They both have fear of engulfment.

What do you think Alma had in common with either or both of them?

Same as above, fear of engulfment.

Do you think Alma has enough insight to be able to overcome her abandoholism?

No. She didn't change her perspective on what went down with Tim and her flings after marriage, even after one of the world's leading experts on abandonment spelled it out for her. So I'd say that makes her pretty damn clueless to her abandoholism.

If Alma has a problem with adjusting to the emotional responsibilities of a long-term relationship, do you think she's aware of it?

Nope. Same reasoning as previous question.

What kind of insight would it take for Alma to reverse her problems?

I'm not sure because after reading the article on abandoholics, it seems that the people on our OSG can relate to it right away if they have abandonment issues. Whereas, Alma didn't really get it even after Anderson worked with her directly. So I'm not sure what type of insight it might take.

I think it would probably require Alma so witness abandonment issues in someone else first, like one of her friends. Without her own amygdala acting to undermine her logic, she might see the real picture from at looking objectively at someone else's situation. With that insight, it might finally dawn on her that she could have the same problem.

What about Brendan? Do you think he's abandoholic?

Absolutely; he has the fear of engulfment type of abandoholism. He was totally into Alma up until the point at which her marriage was out of the way. As soon as she became fair game, he lost interest. The only difference was that she became available, so it's reasonable to conclude that he's not attracted to available partners.

What about Edmund? Without abandonment recovery, do you think he will overcome his love barriers? Why?

Not likely. He seems to be living a content life on his own. He does seem to subscribe to the icing on the cake theory, so he doesn't seem to be the type who might start researching his problems with women. He'll probably just keep man-whoring it up and never really have a happy healthy relationship, unless he finally gets the insight needed to look into abandonment recovery. Maybe I'm wrong but I don't see non-Nice Guys actually look into this stuff proactively.

What would it take for him to develop "constancy" -- the ability to sustain a long-term emotional connection?

Hmm, maybe stop looking at porn? Maybe he needs to become more secure in himself, become an IM instead of a jerk (assuming he's a jerk).

How could abandonment recovery help him?

He could get to the heart of why he treats his women poorly by having Big-Little Dialogues and then Outer wouldn't act out so much. He'd recognize the abandoholism in his partner and help her not to be so clingy. He'd also be able to attract a more healthy woman who wouldn't try to enmesh with him so much, triggering his amygdala to act up.
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  #207  
Old March 28th, 2012, 10:26 AM
DarkStar DarkStar is offline
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Journey From Heartbreak To Connection

Chapter 12: Connecting (cont'd)



Do you think Tim could have picked up self-doubts and insecurities from going through abandonment over Alma?

Oh hell yeah! He definitely sustained some abandonment wounds over that, as it was stated that he went through intense abandonment grief for over a year. He also started going out with someone else a year after the marriage broke up so basically he medicated his abandonment wound with a new woman as soon as he could find one instead of actually healing. This is most likely going to cause more problems for him down the road.

How might reading this workbook benefit him?

It would give him a better chance in his next relationship. If he was lucky enough to land a RGW, perhaps she will be caring enough to be patient with him but on the other hand she might not. Plus we don't even know if she's a RGW. So not only would the workbook help him to maintain his relationship if it is with a RGW, it will also allow him more abundant thinking that could lead him to be patient in finding a RGW in the first place.


p310

The Five-Point Action Plan for Making a New Connection

Action One: Step Outside Your Usual Circle of Friends and Activities to Explore New Interests


- You learn more about yourself and increase your exposure to potential partners
- Consider a new job or moving to a new location (allows the changes you're making on the inside to "take root in fresh soil")

Action Two: Initiate New Contacts with at Least Ten New People to Explore Your Alter-Ego States

- These should be human connections; not romantic ones.
- Be yourself but be open to responding to new people in new ways.
- Expose yourself to people, places and things that bring unexplored talents to the surface
- Try group sports, religious functions, college courses, book club, political organization, dating service, bicycle club, Community Projects, etc.
- Don't take people's closed attitudes personally, and don't latch on to the first person who shows some interest; make contact with at least ten people

Action Three: Come Clean About Your Feelings and Culpabilities with at Least Three New Contacts

- Coming clean about how you may have contributed to the failure of your last relationship with others helps to cleanse the wound.
- Ask safe people to listen to you without judgement or advice.
- Discover the healing power of human acceptance.
- Perhaps the lack of safe people in your life is what was wrong in the first place.
- Transfer what you're learning in your support group to your relationships in the real world.
- Coming clean allows you to see that we are all imperfect beings and that you are worthy of love and acceptance.

Action Four: Incorporate Your Alter-Ego into Your Ego -- Become Your Higher Self

- As you practice new activities and engage honestly with people, you discover your higher self.
- Your higher self is capable of greater empathy and emotional openness.
- Set realistic expectations for yourself and those you're trying to help.
- At all times, listen without commentary, advice, or attempting to fix their problems.
- Come from your higher self in your thoughts, words, and deeds.

Action Five: Share Your Higher Self with Significant Others

- Find those who bring out the best in you -- who can relate to your higher self.
- If you haven't met enough people with whom to share your emerging self, double up on your efforts for Actions One through Four.
- Avoid people who push your old emotional buttons, setting off the old cycles.
- Beware of the abandoholic in you and be suspicious of those who you find intensely attractive. They may be emotionally toxic or intoxicating.
- Seek those who are emotionally responsible. Share your histories. Is this person an abandoholic? Abandoner? Reformed abandoner?
- Learn to appreciate honesty, trustworthiness, and a person's ability to communicate feelings above all of his other attributes.
- Don't over-defend your vulnerabilities, neediness, insecurities, feelings of self-doubt and shame; these are as much a part of your personal truths as are your talents and accomplishments.
- Think of love as an action rather than an overblown feeling that's supposed to medicate you from your anxiety and emotional hunger.
- Before you walk away from someone that does not arouse this feeling, review "Advice for the Love Challenged" from Chapter 7.

Whether you're alone or coupled, the message I want to leave you with is that life is Now and tomorrow holds endless possibility. Be forever graduating to greater and greater connection.

Check all of the principles you intend to live by.

__X__Be guided by my broader definition of love.
__X__Surrender my losses of the past.
__X__Accept myself as I am.
__X__Consider the importance of my own unique constellation of feelings.
__X__Be grateful for my special endowments.
__X__Don't take criticism personally but invite feedback to expand my self-awareness.
__X__Bring my capacity to increase love into each experience.
__X__Share myself openly.
__X__Engage people with my human warmth.
__X__Lay aside perfectionism.
__X__Overthrow old notions of who's a great catch.
__X__Don't be put off by someone's looks; love comes wrapped in many surprising packages.
__X__Value a person's essence above her status.
__X__Forgo the temptation to get emotionally high from pursuing hard-to-get lovers.
__X__Seek those who engender a sense of trust and comfort.
__X__Beware of those who try to get me to Surrender My Of; honor my autonomy.
__X__Don't seek self-esteem by proxy; be my own person.
__X__Adjust my expectations of myself and others realistically.
__X__Find people with whom to wear my vulnerability openly; if they take advantage of it, accept this feedback about them not as an indication of my own weaknesses.
__X__Remain open to people's fears, needs, and vulnerabilities as well.
__X__Strengthen my connection to myself; it's the bridge I need to connect with others.
__X__Be vigilant to the fact that love is within and all around me waiting to be consummated in action.

Wow, I can't believe I finished the workbook!
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  #208  
Old March 28th, 2012, 11:36 AM
DarkStar DarkStar is offline
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As I read Belief's thread, I see a lot more contrasts than I'm seeing similarities between us. He seems more extraverted and able to easily pick up chicks whereas I'm introverted and not confident in my ability to entertain people and pick up chicks.

He seems to have a lot of shame about his porn due to conditioning from church, whereas I don't feel any guilt about porn (aside from the fact that in certain contexts I would be embarrassed to admit to porn usage), or that I was doing anything wrong by watching it and I don't feel that it's immoral or degrading to women in principle. I'm stopping not because I believe it creates shame but because it medicates my shame and because it wires my brain in unhealthy ways.

Belief also seems to have more a fear of engulfment, whereas I have more of a fear of abandonment. These are few examples I've noticed so far in his thread of where we seem to be different as far as I can tell. However, I know we have similarities too and probably a lot of the contrasts are just due to the different ways that our early shame and abandonment wounds manifested through our own unique personalities.

That said, maybe it would help me to find another thread to follow in addition to Belief's; one that shows the path of a more introverted person (like myself) who was able to successfully break free. Or maybe I'll just have to be that person, for future introverts to follow.
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  #209  
Old March 28th, 2012, 01:10 PM
RufWarrior RufWarrior is offline
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Thanks for the kudos on how Tim needed to find my plan! But sadly, the more you learn about this, the more you'll see how many other people need this knowledge.

About fear of engulfement vs abandonment, I think it changes over time. I clearly had the abandonment, and then went over to the engulfement, and I think Belief may have had similar. On the introverted vs extraverted, some of that change may have come from growth. I was more introverted and became more extraverted. Have you read How to Win Friends and Influence people, or looked at the podcasts in the "theses tips" link in my plan, that are also in Step 2? The "these tips" are podcasts so you can listen more easily.

As far as others to read, start with WarriorMonk as I think he was more introverted. Perhaps look at Phade, Firecap, Terminator, or MarathonMan (whom i'm not sure completed the plan), or SuchABaller, but the latter is still in college and may not be as similar.
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I am not trained in mental health. I just found resources to understand the natural laws about the problem, and solutions one would then understand.

Suggested reading on Networking and Doing Well in Your Career
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  #210  
Old March 28th, 2012, 09:15 PM
DarkStar DarkStar is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RufWarrior View Post
Thanks for the kudos on how Tim needed to find my plan! But sadly, the more you learn about this, the more you'll see how many other people need this knowledge.

About fear of engulfement vs abandonment, I think it changes over time. I clearly had the abandonment, and then went over to the engulfement, and I think Belief may have had similar.
That makes sense. As I start to date again and hopefully get more skill and success with it, I'll have to watch out for fear of engulfment.

Quote:
On the introverted vs extraverted, some of that change may have come from growth. I was more introverted and became more extraverted.
Wow, that is encouraging that you considered yourself more introverted and yet changed to extroverted. I suppose I shouldn't pigeonhole myself into a certain type and assume I can't grow and develop skills that I'd like to have.

Quote:
Have you read How to Win Friends and Influence people, or looked at the podcasts in the "theses tips" link in my plan, that are also in Step 2? The "these tips" are podcasts so you can listen more easily.
I read How to Win Friends and Influence People last year, but I've only gone through maybe half of the podcasts. Actually I read the articles but haven't listened to the audios. So I've downloaded the audio files now, and I'll check them out.

Quote:
As far as others to read, start with WarriorMonk as I think he was more introverted. Perhaps look at Phade, Firecap, Terminator, or MarathonMan (whom i'm not sure completed the plan), or SuchABaller, but the latter is still in college and may not be as similar.
Cool, thanks! I'll take a look at those guys' threads.
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