Trying to forgive NG husband advice welcome

[Peaceseeker]

Keep it coming Chevy. I can handle it.

[chevy1947]

I found after coming here that no matter how upset I can get or have been I now view what happened with a lot more calm.

yes things trigger me but I actually think I handle them better.

there is always an exception to that rule however.

Yes, you have been hit over and over and now you know you can take it and what could come down the road.

Fix you, I have mixed feelings that your husband will ever suck it up and walk tall.

another unanswered question from before:

has your husband ever been a stand up in charge man or has he always been like this?

also, thank you for why it is scary to quit this job but what is worse, living like this with the boss in the middle and your husband too much of a pansy to say anything or sucking it up, tighten the belt and ride it out?

Think about it, the only confrontation with the boss has been from you.

Time for hubby to find his pants.

[Peaceseeker]

No. He has always been soft but used to have ideals. That changed when he started smoking weed. He keeps calling it a slippery slope.

If he takes this one from the boss, I think Im out. Big words. Lets see if I actually have the guts. Maybe.

He thinks I will be angry. Angry feels like ages ago.

[chevy1947]

he thinks you might get angry

we would tell a guy that his wife is giving him a shit test.

what does that really mean??? if you are not angry then its OK???

If you say you don't care then what, another lap dance and hit the pipe??

you are missing something major here.

Haven't you already told him no more of this BS or drugs if you want your marriage to be restored???

Then why is he asking this question??? I mean really its no skin off my backside if he is loaded 24/7

you have already told him how you feel but he wonders if you will be angry?


honestly peach, that is your answer

he has little desire or will or backbone to do the hard work.

its your call kid

good luck

[Peaceseeker]

This morning he said "youre so beautiful". I said to him that its nice but if he isnt prepared to defend me when it matters then it is not going to work. I said I felt that I owed it to him to let him know that.

He seemed to feel angry (im guessing feeling rejected). I said to him If he lets go of fear he may fly. Then I said to him that this is HIS choice.

Just got home and he is not here. Nor is the gift that I can see.

[chevy1947]

peace

A little advice from a guy who has spoken many times before engaging his brain.

accept the compliment and choose your time to scold a little better.

I am not asking you to not express your feelings but sometimes timing is everything.

[Tower of Power]

Originally Posted by Peaceseeker

I said to him that its nice BUT ... (bytch, bytch, bytch)...

Originally Posted by chevy1947

accept the compliment and choose your time to scold a little better.

... sometimes timing is everything.

For some people it's NEVER the wrong time. I hope that 'peace' is not one of those, BUT ....

[Peaceseeker]

Fair call but this was after three days of BS and excuses. And i did say it very gently.

He finally faced his fears and went to the bosses place and returned the gift and told the boss he had enjoyed parts of being his student on cultural issues but that his loyalty should have been with his wife and their relationship would need to change.

He said it was messy and he was in tears for some of it but it IS done. The boss said he hopes our marriage will be ok.

[Peaceseeker]

I told him I am proud of him for asking for what he wants. I will apologise for my timing. Youre right it was shit.

[chevy1947]

if you say sorry, also say this is a trying time for both of us.

[Peaceseeker]

Update: the boss suggested he smoke some weed to improve his mood and he told the boss "no Im drug free now and I am happy that way". The boss asked if he still takes aspirin. What a dick but as H pointed out he is just trying to not be wrong. H said B is looking unwell. Shaking hands etc.

He saw through the boss's ethereal responses to emotional stuff and said it did nothing to spin his wheels any more.

We got to have a do-over of the "you're beautiful" - it ended much better

I should point out that I didnt exactly say "thats nice but" last time. There was a long pause and it was a new topic but it was part of the same convo. It had just seemed like he wanted it to go somewhere and the way I was feeling about "issues" I didnt want to put on an act. To me that would be dishonest.

I am feeling a lot better. He is feeling somewhat better. I told him I feel safer after what he did yesterday. Not sure how much to encourage him or let it be his. Where does one draw the line?

[Autumn]

Peaceseeker, seems you are doing ok now which rocks. It really is 2 steps forward 1 step back for both you and him. Your self analysis , Your self-acceptance here , my opinion, you are handling things pretty well.

Hang in there kid. I’d post another song, but maybe you can find a better one to describe your own feelings.. ?

Shared this on Pi’s thread.
Anyone in a committed relationship can benefit and are we not all in this together? hugs

Dog Day, a Story by Duen Hsi Yen

"...Life is comprised of the myriad of minute interpersonal interactions that occur throughout the day, not the major decisions we make from time to time. Yet, we thoughtfully agonize over major decisions, but give virtually no thought to the second-by-second exchanges. They are left to "automatic pilot," and are executed without logic, choice or consideration of personal responsibility."

[Peaceseeker]

Thanks Autumn. I was feeling a lot better over the weekend and we had a very nice time together. He seems to feel ok if I am ok. As soon as Im not feeling good he gets depressed. Is that what Dr Glover means by emotional hose? Im not really clear on that.

I dont sleep so well with all this and wake super early. I am really tired and not feeling too happy right now. Feels like there is nothing to look forward to

Like giving up work was ok before because I felt so secure but now I dont feel so secure any more, it feels quite directionless. I was happy to just potter before - getting things done and working on becoming ever more efficient so H could relax after 'working' such long hours :/

You know I feel a lot like Pi - I would have been so lost without you guys. We are having some counselling but this forum is far more use for me personally because counsellors can be a bit indirect which often leads to miscommunication. Thanks everyone for being honest and (mostly) patient with me.

[Peaceseeker]

Im having such a shitty day today. Why are we here, again?

Feeling really bad. Im finding it very difficult to accept love from him ATM.

I know Georgia is right about detaching. I feel really wobbly at doing that. It feels like being single again. Oh man I hate this shit. I hope Im on the edge of a breakthrough.

Thinking about leadership and wondering this is ever going to happen. And what am I doing?? What do I do?

[chevy1947]

Originally Posted by Peaceseeker

Im having such a shitty day today. Why are we here, again?

Feeling really bad. Im finding it very difficult to accept love from him ATM.

I know Georgia is right about detaching. I feel really wobbly at doing that. It feels like being single again. Oh man I hate this shit. I hope Im on the edge of a breakthrough.

Thinking about leadership and wondering this is ever going to happen. And what am I doing?? What do I do?

going thru this remember you will hit a ton of speed bumps on the road to recovery. Its a corny statement but the truth.

I have had times just like you are having, so have all the guys, things start to go well and you get into the thinking I got it, the spouse is on board, everything will go according to my plan.

well life does not follow your plan, there will always be things that upset the cart.

little words that to most people will mean nothing will drive a knife in your back.

remember what advice you are getting, he has to fix himself, you must fix and keep yourself up, yes you are there for him but he must do the work and restore the faith and trust to the marriage.

you don't rebuild the home by a coat of paint and new flooring, you repair the foundation, electrical and plumbing and that does not show quickly as new paint and flooring.

Without the solid foundation all else is a facade

good luck