The D Negotiation

[bootstrapped]

Originally Posted by LouisianaMan

When my sister started talking about college for him, he announced that he and his best friend had made plans to attend LSU or the University of New Orleans. His second choice, UNO is also delusional as no one is willing to pay his living expenses in New Orleans.

Funny - my BS is from UNO. I'd bet that most reading this didn't know it exists. I'll add this - if he's an immature party boy, neither of these are good options. Most of my friends who went off to LSU partied hard and failed out. UNO has a bar in the middle of the FN campus, and when I was there, the beer started flowing at 11am. I stumbled into classes a few times after hanging out there. Many of my friends who partied at LSU and failed out eventually had to move back home and go to UNO...and then they'd get drunk in the campus bar all day. At least it cost the parents less in tuition and boarding.

[LouisianaMan]

I lived next door to a family for over 25 years. The oldest girl had a photographic memory and was a straight A scholar. Her choices for college were ULL and LSU. She actually went to ULL because it offered more money? She was unsure of what to major in so I told her to go for a Skin Doctor. You come in, the skin doctor says "That a rash! Then he gives you a prescription! She went for pre-law instead. For a genius IQ she had NO common sense.

Her little sister is the point of my post. She had to work hard for her grades and got a scholarship to LSU. She made Freshman Cheerleader Squad and proceeded to party. She flunked out and went home. She enlisted in the Navy and became a tour guide at the Pentagon! She got out and went to McNeese and was a cheerleader there! She was much more likeable than the older sister.

The boy's mother set a family record by attending Louisiana Tech in Ruston, Louisiana. In two full semesters she earned exactly no credits (how do you fail freshman orientation?). Since almost all of North Louisiana was DRY at this time (no alcohol!), she spent almost every night at the bars in Grambling (yes they have a college there too!).

The boy thinks we are stupid or easy to con. He can fool my older sister, but I am harder to con.

By the way UNO has asked to join the same conference as McNeese! Weird, huh?

LouisianaMan

[For Me]

Originally Posted by LouisianaMan

The boy's mother set a family record by attending Louisiana Tech in Ruston, Louisiana. In two full semesters she earned exactly no credits (how do you fail freshman orientation?).

Sorry about the commercial at the beginning...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKMuVFz3MOQ

Mom was the one with the pencils in her nose....

[bootstrapped]

Originally Posted by For Me

Mom was the one with the pencils in her nose....

Heh...I thought of that movie/scene as well. I need to pull out that DVD soon.

"Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!"

[ConfidenceMan]

I hate mornings when I awake from a dream with STBX in it, and the feelings of love are evoked. I have not cried in a long time. Today will be foggy.

The mediation is difficult. I had to listen to the "she carried the weight of the family" fiancially story. I simply STFU. What am I gonna do? Puke out a laundry list, the things she never paid for; two new roofs, a kitchen, two bathrooms, 4 years of private school, a major appliance, a brand new car, a vet bill, car repair bills or tires, a household repair bill, two interior house paintings, $65k into the the last house purchase to keep the mortgage under a jumbo loan, lion share of the food bill, college savings, cell phones... Do I mention again that I was the care giver for the two Ds through elementary and middle school? Augered drains because she couldn't bother to remove her hair from the drain, toilet replaced and installed because the old one had so much calcification from the urine sitting (flush much honey) in it that there was little flow/swirl to get her jumbo turds down. No. Because other than causing the mediator to nod her head and ask STBX to acknowledge what I've said, it will have no impact.

I have yielded (edit: initially I wrote given), and all I have received is "thank you" by way of the mediator's prod. Compromise, what's that? I want to be able to give something, and I have rationalized the yield by taking from my to-be-given pot. I really am working from a place of abundance. But I don't see any giving, only taking.

Mediation is to get to an outcome by working through the conflict. Tough place to be with NG triggers. STBX is NG as previously stated. She's a wreck and has been for a couple weeks,yet another trigger. I should not care what she feels or what she or the mediator think of me, it's non of my business.

Did I mention mediation is difficult?

[Tower of Power]

Originally Posted by ConfidenceMan

...

Did I mention mediation is difficult?

Thanks for that reminder. Here's a reminder for you: you can handle this and it will get better.

[D8zed]

Originally Posted by ConfidenceMan

Did I mention mediation is difficult?

ConfidenceMan,

I can empathize because I had my first mediation session recently. My STBX has a significant amount of inheritance $ and stands to walk away with close to a half million bucks if you include everything. I will leave with considerably less. When the mediator asked if STBX had started thinking about when she's moving out and getting her own place, she began to sob and said,

"I, I, I,....don't know what I'm going to do......I, I, I...don't have a job so I, I, I....don't want to spend that money (the significant inheritance) to buy something."

In other words, she wants to wait and spend *MY* money!

Have I mentioned how much I despise her?

[Kodiak]

D8, I can see a similar situation for me but with numbers twice as big for wife. Nothing for me but my guitars, guns, and paying her alimony.

[Dadtoall]

Originally Posted by ConfidenceMan

The mediation is difficult. I had to listen to the "she carried the weight of the family" fiancially story. I simply STFU. What am I gonna do? Puke out a laundry list, the things she never paid for; two new roofs, a kitchen, two bathrooms, 4 years of private school, a major appliance, a brand new car, a vet bill, car repair bills or tires, a household repair bill, two interior house paintings, $65k into the the last house purchase to keep the mortgage under a jumbo loan, lion share of the food bill, college savings, cell phones... Do I mention again that I was the care giver for the two Ds through elementary and middle school? Augered drains because she couldn't bother to remove her hair from the drain, toilet replaced and installed because the old one had so much calcification from the urine sitting (flush much honey) in it that there was little flow/swirl to get her jumbo turds down. No. Because other than causing the mediator to nod her head and ask STBX to acknowledge what I've said, it will have no impact.

You should indeed rebutt every piece of bullshit she lays out against you. I totally get the benefit of STFU. But, impressions matter. At the end of the day (esp. if mediation breaks down and you go through the court process) decisions will be made by ONE individual, who is going to hear conflicting versions of the story and have to figure out who is more likely to be truthful.

So, right now you are some schmuck who does not support his wife in running the household - doesn't sound too good, does it? But, if you rebut her side of the story and can back it up with solid evidence, you are a decent guy who pulls his weight or more, and she is a bullshitter.

Which would you rather be in this process? BTW, this is not just my sense; my attorneys have consistently stressed that impressions matter.

[D8zed]

Originally Posted by Kodiak

D8, I can see a similar situation for me but with numbers twice as big for wife. Nothing for me but my guitars, guns, and paying her alimony.

Ain't our legal system GREAT!?!?!

[Kodiak]

Originally Posted by D8zed

Ain't our legal system GREAT!?!?!

I am just thankful I don't live in Californistan. The laws where I live are biased for sure, and inherently unfair in order to be as universal as possible. But nowhere near what Cali laws are.

[ConfidenceMan]

Sometimes advise comes in funny form. Thank you D8zed and Kodiak.

See I am the one with the recent inheritance where disbursement happened about a month after STBX officially asked out of the marriage. I am self employed and have worked less than I could to care for the children and care for the household, while STBX works regularly at a well paying job. So when we separated, I let her leave, took over all the marital financial obligations, payed half of her cost of establishing a new household and pay a greater percentage of child support though we split custody/CS 50/50. Yes, I was a Nice Guy. And what did I get? Despised.

I actually have insight into your STBX's state, and thought at the time you wrote, to share it with you. But your "depised" comment towards your STBX rather than the laws helped me realize that it wasn't worth the defense either here, or in my dealing with my STBX.

I will agree that state family laws are a mess. Men get screwed disproportionately. You mention Californistan,... well in California your wife's inheritance would be considered joint marital property, so you would have been entitled to half.

[bootstrapped]

Originally Posted by D8zed

When the mediator asked if STBX had started thinking about when she's moving out and getting her own place, she began to sob and said,

This seems like the reaction of someone getting the bomb dropped on them out of the blue, but in your case didn't your W know this was coming...a long FN time ago? Is she yet another one living in a fantasy world?

[D8zed]

Originally Posted by bootstrapped

This seems like the reaction of someone getting the bomb dropped on them out of the blue, but in your case didn't your W know this was coming...a long FN time ago? Is she yet another one living in a fantasy world?

Yes sir, she knew a looooong FN time ago. And yes sir, she mostly lives in a fantasy world in which she believes that she is not only ENTITLED to 50% of everything I own, but ENTITLED to 50% of all my future earnings PERMANENTLY. She just spent 2 years and $10-15k in a lab tech type program and the poor thing can't find a job. (Step 1 is usually look for a job.) In the last mediation session, she told me she didn't think she was going to like it and it might not work out. She's claiming she can only be expected to make $14/hr in an administrative type job.

I better stop....sorry to the OP for a mini thread jack.

[Phrack]

D8zed - why don't you get half the inheritance ? It doesn't seem right to me.