Help me fix my mistakes

[Phrack]

Originally Posted by scaredtodeath

How do I do this? I have not had this discussion with my therapist and I am honestly terrified by the idea. I'm getting comfortable with me. But at a loss for how to prepare for that possibility.

Self-soothing is the key. As to how - I think you have to figure that out for yourself. I think Schnarch uses the example of his daughter jumping off a diving board into the pool. She is scared but accepts the situation and does it - basically she doesn't go to pieces.

It might not happen and focussing on the possibility can be hard. Truthfully this can happen to all of us at any time.

I suggest thinking about it and simply trying to accept the possibility. I don't think you should overdo this however it does help.

If your marriage ended you could go on and your life could be better. You can handle this. Try and remain as positive as you possibly can be. I would talk to your friends and family as well as use this board or your therapist.

These situations really suck and I'm not suggesting they don't however you have to get through it and if you do you may end up a better person.

[Kodiak]

scaredtodeath, welcome aboard! Sorry I am late to your party.

You are getting outstanding advice and observations. Your questions and concerns seem to be textbook NG. My first advice is that you dig into the book and the Breaking Free exercises. How does one eat an elephant? One bite at a time. You're not going to cure your self or your marriage overnight.

There are a couple of other books to put on your reading list after you finish NMMNG. "The Way of the Superior Man" and "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty".

You do seem way too worried about your wife's mood and your mom's approval. To quote Shakespeare,
"This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man".

You asked how to fix your mistakes, and the answer is that you have to stop trying to do the right thing as defined by others. Man up, be the leader of your marriage, and establish your Kingdom as you want it to be.

Originally Posted by ktrp

Actually, nobody is running the world.

Disconnect the hose from your wife. Detach from outcome. Let go of fear of abandonment. Stop seeking approval from your mom and your wife. It is much easier to write it than do it, but those are your goals.

Affirmations may be a good tool for you. Also use the mantra "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway". (there's a book by that title which might go on your reading list).

[scaredtodeath]

Again, I want to thank everyone for the help, advice, criticism, etc. Some day I hope to have myself together enough to lend an ear and word to others. This is going to be a long hard road for me.....I just pray I am not walking it alone. I get a little better each day. My faith, my counselor, NMMNG, my safe people, and this board are making sure of that! Thank you!

[scaredtodeath]

The Holiday weekend was a roller coaster. Yesterday was good, much more normal conversations, but something still isn't right. I'm so stressed and confused.

[Boyd]

Originally Posted by scaredtodeath

The Holiday weekend was a roller coaster. Yesterday was good, much more normal conversations, but something still isn't right. I'm so stressed and confused.

Write more about what happened.

Why do you feel stressed and confused?

You can handle it

Boyd

[scaredtodeath]

Just a lot of one minute we are talking normal, the next she can't even look at me. Then she'd talk about plans for July, or Aug, or Sept. Then she'd totally ignore me and have conversations with others sharing information she never told me. The stress is from this and other issues going on in my life. The confusion is over what she truly wants, and how she wants to get there.

[Tomson]

Scaredtodeath, my gut feeling is that your marriage is heading for the rocks but that's not the bad news. It could be that you don't have time to turn it around. Getting better each day, getting good advice and seeing small improvements can give you false hope. If, when the crunch comes, you've only turned 15 degrees it will count for nothing.

I'll take advice here but I think you should decide what you want (not what others think will be good for you) and have it out with your wife what she wants. If you hit the reef battling through the issues you may have something to salvage but if all your wife has is promises she'll walk away.

I think what you need more than anything is passion but you can only get that from personal conviction - knowing what you want regardless of anyone else.

[Boyd]

Originally Posted by scaredtodeath

Just a lot of one minute we are talking normal, the next she can't even look at me. Then she'd talk about plans for July, or Aug, or Sept. Then she'd totally ignore me and have conversations with others sharing information she never told me. The stress is from this and other issues going on in my life. The confusion is over what she truly wants, and how she wants to get there.

What do YOU want?

Boyd

[Southern Cross]

Originally Posted by scaredtodeath

From any experience out there, how do I react when she is hi? Low?

Basically the same, whatever her mood is. Regardless of what she says about it, her mood is her responsibility.

The thing you don't want to do is to follow her moods with your own (ie. attaching the emotional hose).

[Tower of Power]

Originally Posted by Southern Cross

Basically the same, whatever her mood is. Regardless of what she says about it, her mood is her responsibility.

The thing you don't want to do is to follow her moods with your own (ie. attaching the emotional hose).

Not following her moods can at first seem very scary and 'unnatural', but with practice you can do it.

[scaredtodeath]

My gut also says it is over. Just not ready to believe it.

[Tomson]

Originally Posted by scaredtodeath

My gut also says it is over. Just not ready to believe it.

That statement is useless. Have you not read the headline everyone is giving you?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

By making a decision you can either save yourself or your marriage. Don't wait for the crash so you can pick up the pieces because there will be nothing worth picking up. Life is a crash waiting to happen. Fatalists buy a ticket for the event; realists make plans not to be around when it happens.

[SnapRoll]

Originally Posted by Tomson

That statement is useless. Have you not read the headline everyone is giving you?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

+1

STD - your gut is useless at this point. It is sending you messages based on all kinds of erroneous data. Ignore the instrument for the time being.

You must redirect your energy inward. This is what we mean by disconnecting the hose. You can't know what will happen tomorrow or July or whenever. Stay present and work on yourself.

Where are your BFE's?

What is one thing you can do for yourself today?

[scaredtodeath]

Originally Posted by SnapRoll

+1

STD - your gut is useless at this point. It is sending you messages based on all kinds of erroneous data. Ignore the instrument for the time being.

You must redirect your energy inward. This is what we mean by disconnecting the hose. You can't know what will happen tomorrow or July or whenever. Stay present and work on yourself.

Where are your BFE's?

What is one thing you can do for yourself today?

Believe it or not I have been working through the BFE's and keeping a journal. I think the Holiday weekend was tough and different because we were attending family events. One of my safe people reminded me that she knows how I am wired and he believes she is saying things to push my buttons, to see what kind of change I will make.

I spent and entire week working to not make any "covert contracts". It went rather well. I made a promise to myself I would only offer to help people when I wanted to. When I offered if the person did not respond or said no I would walk away. 90 to 95% of the time I was able to accomplish this. Progress for me. This Friday I have made plans with friends, going out on my own.

What do I want? I want my wife, I want our family to stay intact! However, I only have control over me!

So, am I supposed to ignore the feeling in my gut?

Thanks guys!

[For Me]

Originally Posted by scaredtodeath

My gut also says it is over.

All the more reason you need to focus on yourself and to start making decisions about YOU. So what if she doesn't like it?... your gut says it's over. So what if she gets angry?... your gut says it's over. So what if she is high or low?... your gut says it's over. Stop focusing on her... if it is truly over, you're wasting time. And if it's not over, you still need to be a better man to continue to work on the marriage... but this vacillating back and forth isn't doing anybody any good!

NOW is the time to start focusing on you. The sooner you start DOING things like 'it's over' (and I don't necessarily mean how you act toward her... but how you treat YOURSELF), the sooner you can get to healing yourself.