Get All the Way In

[DrGlover]

The new year is here and you’ve probably already made your list of new year’s resolutions. Here’s a suggestion for a resolution that might actually change your life – make a commitment to get all the way in to something for which you have been only showing up part way.

If you have been “half-assing” your diet or fitness program – get all the way in. If you have been working at a job that doesn’t excite or interest you – get all the way in. If you are “hanging in there” in a floundering marriage or have been dating with only minimal commitment – get all the way in.

Most of the people who show up at my office or sign up for my classes and seminars are suffering from the same problem – they are living lives of marginal commitment. Due to fear, habit, or self-limiting beliefs, they float along, doing the same old thing, magically expecting different results. This is the essence of suffering.

If something isn’t working well in your life – if you are feeling frustrated, helpless, hopeless, trapped, or dispassionate about anything – get all the way in! You can apply this to any area of life; job, hobby, finances, health, fitness or education. In the context of this article, let’s apply it to relationships.

Most of us want to be in a great relationship, yet most of us also fear it. The two primary fears you probably try to balance in your personal relationships are the fear of being hurt (abandoned, criticized, attacked, etc.) and the fear of being smothered (trapped, loss of freedom, etc.). These fears typically originated in your earliest childhood relationships and have been played out over and over again in your adolescent and adult relationships.

How close do you think you will get to your lover if you are afraid that he or she might hurt you or smother you? Odds are, you will probably keep yourself guarded and protected. Most people never move beyond these reflexive defense postures. Ironically, the more you value someone and/or the more dependent you are on them for your sense of well-being or security, the more vigilantly you will have to keep your guard up. The more someone means to you, the more they can hurt you and the more you will be willing to give up things that are important to try and keep them happy. Therefore, you have to work harder to protect yourself.

In addition, most Nice Guys don’t want to hurt anyone. Thus they withhold their feelings and thoughts from the people they care most about. They fear that telling the truth might hurt the people they love (and cause conflict and turmoil). They avoid getting too close to anyone in case they might have to set a boundary or breakup. They fear that having to do any of these things might hurt their partner. Therefore, they utilize protective mechanisms of unavailability, avoidance, codependency, passive-aggressiveness, addictions, approval-seeking, conflict avoidance, defensiveness, busyness, and manipulation to keep themselves feeling safe.

Due to the fears listed above, most Nice Guys never get more than marginally invested in their intimate relationships. This prevents them, their partner, and the relationship from growing. It keeps both people from really getting to know each other. It squashes passion and trust. It inhibits discovering the true potential of the relationship. It keeps everyone suffering by lingering way too long in a mediocre relationship that has no ability to get better.

I’m a big advocate of getting all the way in or all the way out. No marginal commitments, no half-hearted efforts, no avoiding the tough stuff, no half-assing it. Over and over, I’ve discovered when I’m less than happy or less than successful or confused or stuck, it is because I’m not all the way in or all the way out.

Typically, whenever someone tells me they aren’t happy with their wife, their husband, their girlfriend, or their boyfriend, I ask them, “What would it look like if you got all the way in?”

Ask yourself the following questions about your current relationship or dating situation:

If you decided to get all the way in what would you do different?

How are you holding back?

What does being only part way in prevent you from finding out for sure?

What is your fear of getting all the way in?

What is the worst thing that could happen if you got all the way in?

What is the best thing that could happen if you got all the way in?

Whether your marriage of 20 years has gone stale or you’re just not sure the person you’ve been dating for the last six months is your Really Great Man or Really Great Woman, get all the way in.

I am convinced that getting all the way in is the most courageous act we can make in any situation. It challenges us to act with integrity and love. It forces us to grow and become our best person. It gives relationships the opportunity to become all that they can be. It reveals the truth of any situation. It gives you the information you need when it is time to make a decision about getting out.

I recently asked the guys in one of my weekly men’s groups what they would have to do differently if they were to get all the way in their relationship with their wife or girlfriend. Here is what they came up with:

Become completely transparent, even when it is uncomfortable.

Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Let her know what you are thinking.

Verbally express feelings. Hold nothing back, even if it might rock the boat or cause conflict.

Express anger with love.

Ask for what you want.

Bring up difficult things.

Be decisive, dependable and trustworthy. Let “yes” mean “yes” and “no” mean “no”.

Set the tone and take the lead (with love). Be an active decision maker. Show up with a plan.

Do what needs to be done because it needs to be done. No score keeping.

Let her be who she is. No trying to change her. No fixing. Love her the way she is or leave (with love).

Stop trying to please her, get her approval, or make her happy.

Set appropriate boundaries.

Soothe own anxiety. Don’t try and manage anxiety by avoiding, controlling, or manipulating her or situations.

Be who you are. Don’t hide or hold back.

Bring all your passion.

Give your partner ALL of your sexual energy.

When you are with her, be with her. Be 100% present.

Create healthy space.

Don’t take anything personally.

Let go of all attachment to outcome.

By showing all the way up, you can get to rejection quickly. You can find out if and when you should leave. One of my clients spent 20 years trying to avoid conflict and make his wife happy. After hearing that I encourage my single guys to get to rejection quickly when approaching women, he decided to do the same thing in his marriage. Instead of avoiding issues that he thought might upset his wife, he decided to lean into his fear and find out quickly what would happen if he was just honest and straightforward. Within just a few weeks of practicing this form of getting all the way in, he got out. He and his wife are in the process of divorce, both have found partners whom they completely enjoy, and both have never been happier.

Other guys with whom I’ve worked have decided to get to rejection quickly by getting all the way in and have experienced a growth of passion and happiness with their partner that they had never dreamed possible. By getting all the way in, they gave themselves, their partner, and their relationship the chance to become all they could be.

What are you holding back in your relationship? What would it look like if you got all the way in? What would you have to do differently?

Getting all the way in will probably begin with soothing your anxiety enough to show up and start telling the truth. Becoming transparent with no attachment to outcome is one of the most powerful ways to get all the way in. Lean into your anxiety. Tell yourself you can handle whatever happens. Get to rejection quickly.

Dr. Robert Glover

[Mr.Zeph]

Yup. I'd say that was probably the best post yet.

[moedal]

I have to say...

The Doc is a living example of Male Integration at its best.

Just like my signature (his words) say:

"If one man can do it, another man can do it."

[btr]

awesome and inspirational

[RufWarrior]

This has been what happened to me after I got over most of the NG syndrome stuff. It's the essence of what that abandoholic and fantasy bond stuff I have posted here is related to.

[pagaman]

Great post Dr G. I have a date w/ a girl I met online, this is my second date since my separation and I will do my best to follow this advice.

The most challenging part is losing attachment to outcome.
No toxic wishing or dreaming. I just have to train my mind to realize that a myriad of outcomes are possible - I might get stood up, we might not get along, we might have a wonderful time, we might have sex. She might be relationship material, she might not be, it may be way too soon to know.

I can just focus on what I want and what I can control, and trust my perception and instincts. That is all I can do.

[Tier]

Very inspiring, made me walk into work with a new attitude and a "thinking outside the box" agenda.

[Wedrifid]

Great post. Even better for the sexual connotations that my brain can't help associating. This is going to stick in my mind quite well.

That's right.

Take it.

Take it all bitch.
You want it.

Feel that.

Oh yeah.

Full masculine commitment.

You want me.

All of me.


I WILL be satisfied.

All or nothing baby.

FUCK

OH YESSSS!

[TimO]

Thanks Doc, a lot of what you have written here has been at the forefront of my thought process with the New Year upon us. Great pick me up and reminder that not every decision is going to appease everyone else, but that is not as important as how it weill be a step towards making our own lives better.

[Red Beard]

......so the Doc can give me a swift kick in the ass from time to time.

Thanks....I needed that.

[koolkatz48]

No truer words have been spoken!

So manny instances this applies to!

Even Jesus said to his followers, be either hot or cold but if you are "lukewarm" (neither all the way in or all the way out) he will spew you out of his mouth!

All over it, doc!

[koolkatz48]

No truer words have ever been spoken!

So manny life situations this can be applied to!

Even Jesus said to his followers, be either hot or cold but if you are "lukewarm" (neither all the way in or all the way out) he will spew you out of his mouth!

All over it, doc!

[RufWarrior]

The struggle I've had with Getting All the Way In is when, back in my nicer guy days, I was too upfront with women. The one step forward, two steps back. And then I took too many steps back. I was too afraid of them.

Of course, now, I'm operating from a different mindset. Of being strong. Of not being afraid. Of not being afraid of putting a lot in in and not getting much in return (attached to outcome).

We'll see

[TheValentinoKid]

Originally Posted by DrGlover

The new year is here and you’ve probably already made your list of new year’s resolutions. Here’s a suggestion for a resolution that might actually change your life – make a commitment to get all the way in to something for which you have been only showing up part way.

If you have been “half-assing” your diet or fitness program – get all the way in. If you have been working at a job that doesn’t excite or interest you – get all the way in. If you are “hanging in there” in a floundering marriage or have been dating with only minimal commitment – get all the way in.

Most of the people who show up at my office or sign up for my classes and seminars are suffering from the same problem – they are living lives of marginal commitment. Due to fear, habit, or self-limiting beliefs, they float along, doing the same old thing, magically expecting different results. This is the essence of suffering.

If something isn’t working well in your life – if you are feeling frustrated, helpless, hopeless, trapped, or dispassionate about anything – get all the way in! You can apply this to any area of life; job, hobby, finances, health, fitness or education. In the context of this article, let’s apply it to relationships.

Most of us want to be in a great relationship, yet most of us also fear it. The two primary fears you probably try to balance in your personal relationships are the fear of being hurt (abandoned, criticized, attacked, etc.) and the fear of being smothered (trapped, loss of freedom, etc.). These fears typically originated in your earliest childhood relationships and have been played out over and over again in your adolescent and adult relationships.

How close do you think you will get to your lover if you are afraid that he or she might hurt you or smother you? Odds are, you will probably keep yourself guarded and protected. Most people never move beyond these reflexive defense postures. Ironically, the more you value someone and/or the more dependent you are on them for your sense of well-being or security, the more vigilantly you will have to keep your guard up. The more someone means to you, the more they can hurt you and the more you will be willing to give up things that are important to try and keep them happy. Therefore, you have to work harder to protect yourself.

In addition, most Nice Guys don’t want to hurt anyone. Thus they withhold their feelings and thoughts from the people they care most about. They fear that telling the truth might hurt the people they love (and cause conflict and turmoil). They avoid getting too close to anyone in case they might have to set a boundary or breakup. They fear that having to do any of these things might hurt their partner. Therefore, they utilize protective mechanisms of unavailability, avoidance, codependency, passive-aggressiveness, addictions, approval-seeking, conflict avoidance, defensiveness, busyness, and manipulation to keep themselves feeling safe.

Due to the fears listed above, most Nice Guys never get more than marginally invested in their intimate relationships. This prevents them, their partner, and the relationship from growing. It keeps both people from really getting to know each other. It squashes passion and trust. It inhibits discovering the true potential of the relationship. It keeps everyone suffering by lingering way too long in a mediocre relationship that has no ability to get better.

I’m a big advocate of getting all the way in or all the way out. No marginal commitments, no half-hearted efforts, no avoiding the tough stuff, no half-assing it. Over and over, I’ve discovered when I’m less than happy or less than successful or confused or stuck, it is because I’m not all the way in or all the way out.

Typically, whenever someone tells me they aren’t happy with their wife, their husband, their girlfriend, or their boyfriend, I ask them, “What would it look like if you got all the way in?”

Ask yourself the following questions about your current relationship or dating situation:

If you decided to get all the way in what would you do different?

How are you holding back?

What does being only part way in prevent you from finding out for sure?

What is your fear of getting all the way in?

What is the worst thing that could happen if you got all the way in?

What is the best thing that could happen if you got all the way in?

Whether your marriage of 20 years has gone stale or you’re just not sure the person you’ve been dating for the last six months is your Really Great Man or Really Great Woman, get all the way in.

I am convinced that getting all the way in is the most courageous act we can make in any situation. It challenges us to act with integrity and love. It forces us to grow and become our best person. It gives relationships the opportunity to become all that they can be. It reveals the truth of any situation. It gives you the information you need when it is time to make a decision about getting out.

I recently asked the guys in one of my weekly men’s groups what they would have to do differently if they were to get all the way in their relationship with their wife or girlfriend. Here is what they came up with:

Become completely transparent, even when it is uncomfortable.

Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Let her know what you are thinking.

Verbally express feelings. Hold nothing back, even if it might rock the boat or cause conflict.

Express anger with love.

Ask for what you want.

Bring up difficult things.

Be decisive, dependable and trustworthy. Let “yes” mean “yes” and “no” mean “no”.

Set the tone and take the lead (with love). Be an active decision maker. Show up with a plan.

Do what needs to be done because it needs to be done. No score keeping.

Let her be who she is. No trying to change her. No fixing. Love her the way she is or leave (with love).

Stop trying to please her, get her approval, or make her happy.

Set appropriate boundaries.

Soothe own anxiety. Don’t try and manage anxiety by avoiding, controlling, or manipulating her or situations.

Be who you are. Don’t hide or hold back.

Bring all your passion.

Give your partner ALL of your sexual energy.

When you are with her, be with her. Be 100% present.

Create healthy space.

Don’t take anything personally.

Let go of all attachment to outcome.

By showing all the way up, you can get to rejection quickly. You can find out if and when you should leave. One of my clients spent 20 years trying to avoid conflict and make his wife happy. After hearing that I encourage my single guys to get to rejection quickly when approaching women, he decided to do the same thing in his marriage. Instead of avoiding issues that he thought might upset his wife, he decided to lean into his fear and find out quickly what would happen if he was just honest and straightforward. Within just a few weeks of practicing this form of getting all the way in, he got out. He and his wife are in the process of divorce, both have found partners whom they completely enjoy, and both have never been happier.

Other guys with whom I’ve worked have decided to get to rejection quickly by getting all the way in and have experienced a growth of passion and happiness with their partner that they had never dreamed possible. By getting all the way in, they gave themselves, their partner, and their relationship the chance to become all they could be.

What are you holding back in your relationship? What would it look like if you got all the way in? What would you have to do differently?

Getting all the way in will probably begin with soothing your anxiety enough to show up and start telling the truth. Becoming transparent with no attachment to outcome is one of the most powerful ways to get all the way in. Lean into your anxiety. Tell yourself you can handle whatever happens. Get to rejection quickly.

Dr. Robert Glover

Man, doc, you are good. You know how to motivate people.

Get all the way in!

Thank you Dr. Glover, and thank you too RufWarrior for suggesting to read this thread.

[doyle]

I've been dabbling with the guitar for several years. I've nver had much confidence in my playing - I'm the guy at Guitar Center trying out amps with them turned down low so no one can hear me. I also play timidly to avoid making loud mistakes, which results in even worse results. I've turned down numerous invitations to 'jam', as I always felt self-conscious around 'real' musicians. I've used the fact that I'm a lefty to avoid people handing me aguitar and saying: 'Here, give it a try".

Last week a friend of mine called to tell me that the lead guitar player in his psychobilly band is moving to Vegas, and he asked me to take his place. I know all the guys in the band, and have been friends with two of them for years. The ground couldn't be better prepared for a soft landing.

I'm going to give it a shot. I'm getting all the way in.

doyle