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Old April 29th, 2011, 04:11 PM
Kodiak Kodiak is offline
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Curiousity - what are the signs of a lesbian wife?

Don't read too much into the question. There have been a couple of instances when I've scratched my head and wondered, but now I think that the major one was something else, and one of the low points in my NGS.

Anyhow, my google-fu isn't strong enough to find anything on the net. Plenty of stuff on warning signs of lesbians in lesbian relationships cheating, plenty about wives cheating with other men, but nothing on wives who are cheating with other women.
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Old April 29th, 2011, 04:28 PM
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I would start with the basics. Has she been with other women, expressed an interest in other women, comment on other women, that sort of thing.

The first time I met my wife's ex sister-in-law the very first thing I thought was that she was a lesbian. When I asked my wife (then gf) about it she told me that she was married and had a kid. Within about 6 months she had met a woman online, started a lesbian affair, and kicked her husband to the curb. Everyone besides me was shocked.
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Old April 29th, 2011, 04:42 PM
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you know nothing much shocks me any longer so you never know.

I guess its a tough call just to ask her but why not, you have thought about asking or have asked if there is another guy.

I don't know of any site that will give you a heads up.

question: when you and your wife talk would it be so far fetched to say is there another guy or has there been and then say woman?? You can add
what you want after that or you are puzzled at her low drive toward you.

Make the question simple, short and to the point (s)

Maybe you can't ask her but only you know that answer.
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Old April 29th, 2011, 05:46 PM
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It is my humble opinion ...that most women can "go that way" given sufficent reason/chance.


On a graph men are more ...."spikey" whereas women are more spread out with regards to lesbien behavior.

It also depends on culture-- men in Italy think nothing of holding hands while on a stroll.

Cheating behaviors would be the same male or female.
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Old April 29th, 2011, 06:05 PM
Kodiak Kodiak is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chevy1947 View Post
you know nothing much shocks me any longer so you never know.

I guess its a tough call just to ask her but why not, you have thought about asking or have asked if there is another guy.

I don't know of any site that will give you a heads up.

question: when you and your wife talk would it be so far fetched to say is there another guy or has there been and then say woman?? You can add
what you want after that or you are puzzled at her low drive toward you.

Make the question simple, short and to the point (s)

Maybe you can't ask her but only you know that answer.
Yeah, I could ask, though not out of the blue. Don't know why it came out that way, but anyhow it seems a little aggressive to just ask out of the blue.

I asked her two or three times earlier in the marriage if she'd ever been molested or raped, due to her very low interest in sex. She believably said no.

It doesn't make sense to me to ask if someone is cheating. If so, they will almost certainly lie about it, even if there is some evidence. If not, the trust kill would be substantial. When Bill Clinton was caught lying to us, wagging his finger on tv and denying having sex with Monica, my wife completely dismissed it as "it's just sex, and everybody lies about sex".

The lesbian questions came up mostly as looking at whatever possibilities are there that she doesn't want sex with me. Lesbian was one of several possibilities. For the past ten years there haven't been any particular events that made me wonder about her being lesbian. Sex with me is certainly the last thing to cross her mind. I don't see much evidence of her being interested in intimacy, sex, or touching, so I think she is just very very low sex drive.

The event that left the biggest question in my mind about lesbianism was around 15 yrs ago. The wife worked with and was good friends with a lesbian and the lesbian's current partner. Thinking that perhaps my wife needed permission to ask for whatever it was she wanted in the bedroom, I made a coupon to go in a Valentines card that said "Good for one evening of whatever pleasures you desire". Cheesy but hey, it was reaching out.

She didn't mention the coupon for about a month, and then said she would redeem it for an evening out with her lesbian friends.

I've wondered if she was trying something out, or if she even was with them or if she was with somebody else that night. I'll never know for sure.
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Old April 29th, 2011, 07:30 PM
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I got the same reply "its just sex"

yes if you ask a question and its one like that you can almost guarantee either a lie or what you don't want to hear.

what you want is the truth and really nothing is strong enough to make our wives just flat tell the truth.

The only approach from your prospect is the total lack of sex or desire so in a calm setting without kids around maybe a "look honey, I just don't get it, your lack of desire or wanting to have what I consider normal sexual relations for married couples. It makes me think your heart is elsewhere with another man or had been with another man or even as far stretch as maybe another woman. Its really to a point that its either that or you cannot stand to think of me with you. neither is what I want but the truth is long overdue."

something along that vein.

I asked that and my wife said flat out yes I was right she did have the long term physical and ultra long term emotional affair.

funny I knew it down deep but when I heard it I felt a freight train had just hit me broadside.

Right now you can't figure it out, if you don't need to know and plan to leave then don't if you just shake your head and want the marriage to work or at least understand what the hell is going on then ask.
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Old April 29th, 2011, 08:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kodiak View Post
Sex with me is certainly the last thing to cross her mind. I don't see much evidence of her being interested in intimacy, sex, or touching, so I think she is just very very low sex drive.
Does it really matter what the reason is? The part I bolded is the only thing that matters...and you should know by now the reason why...
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Old April 29th, 2011, 09:17 PM
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Apart from general signs your wife is cheating, which are the same regardless, the only "sign" is catching your wife in bed with a woman. I mean, are you expecting something like "sudden interest in flannel" and "obsessively watches The L Word?" There just isn't a magical sure way to tell about anybody.

Using the V-Day coupon to spend time with lesbian friends may have been a way to try to tell you something… or it may not. Some people would say I have more gay friends than a straight man ought to, including one I will hang out with if he's in town. He's one of my "safe friends," in fact. If I had a saved-up favor and he was in town, I could see maybe using it that way, though I'd have a problem if I needed to call in a favor for that. I could see someone being suspicious, but there's nothing going on there. Sometimes a friend, even a friend you could hypothetically be having sex with (and, protip, you could hypothetically be having sex with anybody), is just a friend.
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Old April 30th, 2011, 01:01 AM
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I have a very good friend who is divorced. His ex-wife of 15-20 years is now in a lesbian relationship. For women, I don't know that it's black or white like for most guys who are either gay or straight, and can't imagine being the other. I think women are more willing to enjoy sex with whoever is making them feel good, male or female.

I am also acquainted with another divorced male/female couple and keep seeing the woman doing her grocery shopping with another woman and it looks to me like a couple shopping together.
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Old April 30th, 2011, 02:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thenumi View Post
For women, I don't know that it's black or white like for most guys who are either gay or straight, and can't imagine being the other. I think women are more willing to enjoy sex with whoever is making them feel good, male or female.
Totally agree. The way I see it (and have heard it put many times) is that when it comes to sex, WOMEN are the ones who have the 1-10 scale of looks and/or fuckability. Men, on the other hand, are binary. Either a woman if "fuckable," or she's not. There is of course a grey area in the middle (women you'd fuck, but would have to be drunk and/or desperate). So let's say that men are TRINARY.

I also agree with Checked that women are more curious about (and open to) sex with other women than men are with other men.

Oddly enough, when it comes to FRIENDS, I think women are much more binary than men. A straight woman who has zero desire to be with another woman will almost never be friends with a lesbian. A straight man, however, who has no desire to be with another man may have a gay friend or two.
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Old April 30th, 2011, 01:07 PM
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I understand what you are saying because I am in a similar situation. I have always known my wife to be bi. We have always had a monogamous relationship. Lately she hasn't wanted to have sex with me, says there is no sparks, passion, etc, etc. Around the same time she develops an interest in women again, and has since demanded that we have an open marriage. (Something I begrudgingly agreed to while being a stupid mr nice guy). After reading Dr Glovers book, and other sources though I have come to realize that her interest in women, just stems from a lack of generally not understanding why she doesn't want me. She doesn't want me because I have been a spineless Mr Nice Guy, so she is wondering if it is because she just wants women. See my point? As stated before sexuality is fluid for women, they'll want whoever can make the sparks fly. Nice Guys are great at killing sparks, so we become unattractive and they search for ANYTHING to get those sparks going again.

I feel your pain brother, but don't focus too much on it. The best way of getting her back, is to work on yourself so she CANT resist you.
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Old April 30th, 2011, 02:15 PM
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greenblu

welcome aboard / you should start a thread of your own in the marriage section on this.

I don't think your wife wanting to be bi / lesbo has a damn thing to do with you being IM or having some nice guy traits.

The minute I heard open marriage or if I heard it today I would quietly seek the consul of a lawyer because I would have zero interest in staying in a marriage that the wife said she has no feeling for me.

I could have stayed in one where she has no feeling but she has not said that and her actions do not say it, in fact since I found my self respect and balls I am treated better and better.

Your story would make for a good / hot topic of conversation
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unlike fine wine unresolved problems do not get better with age

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Old April 30th, 2011, 05:24 PM
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To answer the question you could ask.

When my wife was out partying with another girl the counselor and myself asked her if she was a lesbian. It was pretty funny.
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Old April 30th, 2011, 06:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IM2010 View Post
To answer the question you could ask.
... if she likes clam chowder? No, seriously, this would be a good question to ask a close acquaintance on the way toward friendship, but your wife? Don't ask, because you don't care (do you really?). You only care if she is interested in getting her physical intimacy needs met by someone other than yourself (am I right?).
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Old April 30th, 2011, 06:57 PM
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There is something we might be looking past.

If his wife has checked out emotionally from him because we know she checked out in the physical department its not with who or what gender
he would like to know its he would like some basic simply honesty.

Really think of the time that has gone by, it is so selfish to just not be open and honest with him.

I heard somebody on the radio once and it was a woman and she was a lesbo and upset with her GF and said she was cheating.

The fact that they did not have sex does not matter because her love and emotions are elsewhere.

In kodiak's case does it matter if there is another person be it man or woman?

would it make it really any better if she was having sex with a woman instead of another guy. all it says is she wants sex with someone other than him.

He has a right to know the score so he can move on if necessary or work on the marriage if possible.
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Find your self respect, if you do not respect yourself
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unlike fine wine unresolved problems do not get better with age

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