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Old July 31st, 2011, 02:15 PM
NiceGuyAbyss NiceGuyAbyss is offline
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Unhappy Cheating Wife

Anyone else here had/have a cheating wife but who has not gotten up the nerve to file for divorce? My wife has been cheating for couple years now and has recently developed a more serious relationship with another guy. She is staying overnight at this guys apartment every weekend and not coming home until 6:00 AM.

She has wanted a separation for a long time, but I don't see the point in not just divorcing. We have 3 kids, 16, 15 and 9 years old. A separation is going to be the same thing as a divorce to them. I have been unable to get myself to file because I know how badly the kids are going to take it and I just love them so much. I just don't want to have to tell the kids. The older kids know the wife and I have major issues, but the 9 year old will be very upset.

This all started almost 3 years ago when my wife asked for a separation to hook up with an old boyfriend after 17 years of marriage. Since then she has gone though major depression and hasn't cooked or cleaned the house more than a handful of times. It's been all me trying to keep the family together.

Just wondering if anyone else is as wimpy as me in letting their wife continue to cheat without filing for divorce. I know I'm an idiot, but the Nice Guy syndrome is well entrenched.
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  #2  
Old July 31st, 2011, 02:42 PM
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chevy1947 chevy1947 is offline
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Many of us here have had wives that have cheated.

I did not divorce my wife / other guys have stayed and worked on the marriage also and many have divorced.

you can call it nice guy being entrenched but what you have is fear of facing your wife and divorce.

Your wife checked out when she said she wanted a separation which was a lie.

she wanted your blessing to move in with another man.

OK so you did nothing, you can't change that.

At least go see a good lawyer and see advice and what you need to do.

don't say one word to the woman who is still considered your wife but who checked out long ago.

why would you separate instead of straight for divorce.

its obvious your wife will shack up with anybody but you so why kid yourself.

get all your ducks in a row,

WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T let her know what you are doing or tell anybody that could possibly tell her.

she has left the home so now is your best shot.

take to the lawyer and get some seperate bank accounts.

good luck
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  #3  
Old July 31st, 2011, 02:58 PM
jackstay jackstay is offline
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Yeah, proceed directly to divorce, do not pass go.

What your "wife" is doing is abusive. Get out. Do not look back.
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Old July 31st, 2011, 03:13 PM
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Shockwave Shockwave is offline
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Read the book, reread the book, do the exercises, and read the supporting literature.

Do I even need to say it? I don't think I do, but of course, knowing Nice Guys, and their inkling to hold onto anything resembling "normal" or "right", I'll say it anyway: divorce the bitch, change the locks, put a box with all of her shit on the front lawn with a note attached that says "You cheating whore. How dare you. Get the fuck out!" File first and file for custody of the kids based on these lovely patterns of her staying over her new BF's house. Oh yeah, count on the new BF getting tired of her ass real quick once you kick her to the curb and her trying to crawl back into your life.

Sun rises, sun sets, breathe in, breathe out, life goes on. Yadda yadda yadda.
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Old July 31st, 2011, 03:20 PM
NiceGuyAbyss NiceGuyAbyss is offline
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Thanks for Emotional Support

Thanks for the support.

I have consulted with two attorneys but retained neither of them. My wife told me last week she has done an initial consult with an attourney and as a result she is looking for a local apartment. I asked her not to go that route as we cannot afford the additional expense along with our existing mortgage. I told her we need to sell the house first, which will not be easy in this market.

I intend to call my attourney Monday and retain her to proceed with the divorce.

Hate thinking of what this will do to otherwise bright, enthusiastic kids. Also don't foresee a bright future for a divorced guy in his early 50's.
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Old July 31st, 2011, 03:23 PM
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Shockwave Shockwave is offline
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By the way, don't you dare stop her from moving out.

Kick her out and file for abandonment (which legally, she IS doing), so you can get the kids. Thinking about your kids with some sleazebag who had no qualms about fucking your wife when she was married should be more than enough to get the blood boiling.

Now is not the time to be nice. Now is the time to be vicious as hell!
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  #7  
Old July 31st, 2011, 03:27 PM
NiceGuyAbyss NiceGuyAbyss is offline
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Can you believe the attorney's say she is not doing anything that would be significant enough to allow me sole custody of the kids! Amazing..... At least she recognizes me as a good father and wants placement & custody to be 50/50..... and why wouldn't she, then she gets to be single and hang with her hardass boyfriends with out kids getting in her way!
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  #8  
Old July 31st, 2011, 03:59 PM
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LouisianaMan LouisianaMan is offline
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If your attorney can't see anything wrong, get another attorney. You gave her three years to make an escape plan and put it into use. Don't give her any more "help". Where do you live? If it is in the US, is it a no fault state?

Get it out of your mind that you can't get divorced because you can't afford it. She has her own plans. See another attorney about what you need to get custody of your kids. Never assume that the spouse will be slowed down by taking the kids. My ex moved into a one bedroom apartment with my mentally handicapped daughter. She still would come home drunk with guys. Separate your money from hers. Protect yourself and quit whining about what she is doing (I whined too, but I got my shit done). Get yourself named legal guardian for all your kids. That is when you go to the lawyer and the kids sign a paper.

There is a time to whine and a time to get your act together. Want to guess which time it is? By the way, I kicked my ex's ass in court, got custody and she was paying child support until last May. BabyGirl is now 23!

LouisianaMan
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Old July 31st, 2011, 04:09 PM
freedrestraints freedrestraints is offline
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I have my own personal issues, but I don't think your kids are going to take your divorce so bad based on what your wife is doing.

It's real simple.

You don't need to tell them the details now (they may already know) but it sounds totally normal to divorce a wife who is behaving like that. You wouldn't want your kids letting their future spouses treat them like that, would you? Stick up for yourself! This is like deciding whether to operate on cancer - yes the operation is a risk and it will be painful, but are you going to let it just stay in there and grow?
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  #10  
Old July 31st, 2011, 04:12 PM
freedrestraints freedrestraints is offline
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Don't get hung up on being a divorced guy in your early 50s. Be concerned about you in general, but not the age thing. You are choosing to step out of the darkness. Whether the future is "bright" or not, time will tell.

By the way, in the dating "meat market" an early 50s man is 3x more marketable than an early 50s woman. I know, I'm pulling that statistic out of my butt. You may need to polish yourself up a bit of course. Focus on staying healthy first.
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  #11  
Old July 31st, 2011, 04:29 PM
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chevy1947 chevy1947 is offline
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In many no fault states her banging another guy will not help you one bit.

It can hurt you personally but she could still be considered a good mom because she left you the dad to watch the kids while she had the weekend
with another man.

Stop overthinking this / she has told you she is getting a lawyer and you are thinking

the guys are right / usually shockwave is too over the top for me but I think
he was too easy on you.

Louisiana is right, get another lawyer.

You can't afford it

what is your self respect worth ???

I will give her credit, she said she was through and made no bones about going to another mans house and having fun while you babysit.

You allowed this to happen, get the biggest prick bastard lawyer you can find that will hammer her.

you can always give more than demanded but you sure as hell are going to get screwed over big time if you do nothing.

be pro-active not re-active / document everything

she wants out / do it while she wants to leave

the guys are right her fuck buddies will not like her as much when they have to help pick up the check, right now they only have her for what they want.

your kids will be fine /

find your self respect and get a lawyer and if you have to interview 3 more lawyers before you get a good one who will fight for you then do it.
__________________
Don't take the bait.

Find your self respect, if you do not respect yourself
why would anybody else respect you?

unlike fine wine unresolved problems do not get better with age

A wife or girlfriend like a husband or boyfriend can
be changed or replaced your children are yours for
life don't forget them in your recovery
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  #12  
Old July 31st, 2011, 04:42 PM
NiceGuyAbyss NiceGuyAbyss is offline
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I am in a no fault state.

I ordered the book and its on the way. I have already listened to the e-version of it and that's how I found out I was the problem!

The first thing I need to work on is my self-esteem... it has definitely been worked over.
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Old July 31st, 2011, 05:06 PM
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Phade Phade is offline
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I read this thread and one thing just struck me; how much you obviously love your kids. The only question I think you really need to ask is what kind of a man do you want your kids to think you as? What kind of human beings do you want them to grow up into?

Then, go be that human being.
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Old July 31st, 2011, 06:30 PM
NiceGuyAbyss NiceGuyAbyss is offline
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You definitely hit the nail on the head Phade. I love my kids and would do anything for them, including putting up with a cheating wife for a long time. Clearly what I need to do for them now, is show them I made a mistake and set an example by becoming a new kind of man rather than the nice guy I've been in the past.
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Old July 31st, 2011, 07:28 PM
Kodiak Kodiak is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NiceGuyAbyss View Post
You definitely hit the nail on the head Phade. I love my kids and would do anything for them, including putting up with a cheating wife for a long time. Clearly what I need to do for them now, is show them I made a mistake and set an example by becoming a new kind of man rather than the nice guy I've been in the past.

Yeah, that. Man the Fuck Up for your kids! You are teaching them that it is ok to be abused by your spouse emotionally. You are teaching them that they should put up with a cheating spouse when they get married.

You are being emotionally abused by her. It is natural for an abused person to hesitate to leave. But it is very unhealthy to stay.

For your kids you have no choice but to be strong and end this abusive farce of a marriage. Even if it is a no-fault state your so-called-wife has done some things which will harm her ability to get custody. Her affairs may not mean anything in terms of paying alimony or splitting up the marital assets, but her behaviors will directly affect how the court sees her as a parent.

Let her get her own apartment. It is to your advantage and to your kids' advantage. You are no longer responsible for any of her problems in the future, so let her do any stupid thing she wants.
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