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  #1  
Old March 9th, 2012, 02:06 PM
Peaceseeker Peaceseeker is offline
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Unhappy Trying to forgive NG husband advice welcome

Ive always known hubby was a NG. Tried to tell him but he took it as criticism and shut me out. I guess thats to be expected. Over time he built up resentment because of dishonoured covert contracts. Smoking dope helped him to escape the pressures of life as an undiagnosed NG and to find the God who would show him the magical meaning of it all. When I asked him to stop smoking (because of the ensuing irritability with me) is when our marriage began to involve lying. Where we live dope is often seen as harmless.

Then he started working for a long time personal rolemodel of his. I never liked the guy - slimey manipulator - but hubby thought the sun shone out of him. He couldnt be convinced otherwise and enjoyed his job. Fast forward a year of increasing strange behaviour and I find a lapdance on our credit card after a business trip. Drunk nice guy couldnt say no to another (pushy) companion and the stripper he had brought to their table.

But wait theres more... He now admits that he had tried meth with his rolemodel man thinking it would be a one off but this guy was quietly a serious addict and wanted company. He was buying it for my husband and hubby couldnt say no because of the approval he craved from this guy - and he was getting it! That explained the changed personality. The man I married never had boundaries but was quite conservative so I thought this stuff was impossible!

Five months since I found out and I still cant really get over the feeling of anger at him lying but mostly that he could allow a lapdance. He didnt want to do it and said no twice and gave in on the third time. My heart is struggling to take the thought of him in a private room with another womans boobs in his hands - as bad as that felt for him theres just a little girl crying and saying "what about me?". And where were our two little boys when you were doing this??

The book has been changing him. He sees the rolemodel as dangereous and doesnt feel safe around him. The drugs have stopped entirely. He is working through the exercises.

I am still stunned, devastated, sad that this is what became of the sweet man I married and had a family with. He is desperate for forgiveness and sees his mistakes. Its the lapdance....

Help please?
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  #2  
Old March 9th, 2012, 02:18 PM
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bootstrapped bootstrapped is offline
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First, sorry you had to go through this mess. You mentioned the dance several times. That's bad, but the thing that stood out to me was the meth. You have two boys with this guy? I'd go scorched earth on his azz over the drugs. The "role model" pig needs to be gone. I would demand no contact with him. If your hubby is still working for this POS, he needs to find another job. People can have a hard time simply walking away from meth. I would somehow want to verify that hubby isn't still doing that garbage behind your back.

He's desperate for forgiveness? Good, let him earn it from you.

EDIT: Also, being an NG doesn't give him a free pass for all of these lies, dances and drugs. Hopefully you both realize that.
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  #3  
Old March 9th, 2012, 02:21 PM
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chevy1947 chevy1947 is offline
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well, first welcome aboard

standard speach of mine

this is not a encounter group of head bobbers sitting around saying poor baby. We know your situation is in the toilet and so was many of ours so while we undrstand and feel for you the focus will not be on saying poor baby.

also, not all advice will work for you, you have to do what works for you.

none of us can do anything only give input.

there is no magic book, link or guru to fix things.

fix yourself because you cannot do anything to fix your husband if he won't fix himself.

One he needs to find other work and dump his toxic buddy.

by the way the loser buddy did not hold a gun to your hubbies head.

On the lap dance?

its really not a big deal, I was married and out and the guys bought me a lap dance long ago, did I really think this girl cared about me??? hell nohe cared the amount of time the $$$ paid for. Really what good is a stripper to me?? sex is not a spectator sport.

For my birthday my wife and some other women sent a stripper to my place of business. These woman are not what are going to wreck your marriage unless it is a habit and he spends all his money there. I don't even like going to a strip club.

I understand you don't like it but trust me its not the end of the world just poor judgement.

many of us have found out our wives were having long term affairs with our friends so believe me I would trade that for my wife at a bachlorette party and some male stripper did a bump and grind with her for 3 minutes.

you have to be supportive but you will show more by being strong yourself and being there.

nagging about his loser buddy will only make it worse, showing him the course he is taking is harmful is far better.

his choice, is a lap dance and drugs and approval from this loser more important than his wife, children and the marriage?? ask him that.

good luck
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Find your self respect, if you do not respect yourself
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unlike fine wine unresolved problems do not get better with age

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  #4  
Old March 9th, 2012, 02:56 PM
Peaceseeker Peaceseeker is offline
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nagging about his loser buddy will only make it worse, showing him the course he is taking is harmful is far better.

his choice, is a lap dance and drugs and approval from this loser more important than his wife, children and the marriage?? ask him that.

good luck[/quote]

He has left the job - just does some contracting for them. I am gutted about his priorities. No one stuck a gun to his head but he says he doesnt feel like any of it was his choice. Its selling out our secret space that hurts. He doesnt want meth at all. He says he would like pot but doesnt want to do it any more because he can see the negatives. It increased resentment.

One of the boys said to me the other day "I hope you and Dad never break up". He's feeling the change. Until I found out, we were loving and attentive with each other. Even though there were lies he could still do that.

I just cant "go back to normal". I am stumped. Im pretty freakin unhappy at this point. Cant take any delight in my guy, triggers everywhere, want my safety back. Want to be a good Mom again to my boys. Feel like a decision is required but cant make it.

Healing husband is fine. Its the trespasses that cant be undone that kill it. Or am I too much of a perfectionist? Argh.

Thanks guys!
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  #5  
Old March 9th, 2012, 03:03 PM
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Hi Peaceseeker, you have a right to own what bothers you. They are what form your boundaries. You don't have to explain or defend them to anyone else, as they are part of who You are, not anyone else.

( Personally, if husband (now ex) paid for any sexual favours while married to me, he wouldn't get anymore chances. It would disgust me that much that he'd do that. So you're not out to lunch in your feelings about that. )

So you set a boundary about you are not willing to live with tolerate X, Y and Z behaviors that you outlined in your post.

If he crosses your boundaries, then what will you do to enforce them? You have to be prepared to call it quits on the marriage if/ when this happens.

ie . How many chances ( and you don't owe him any), will you give him before you kick his ass to the curb?

So lay out your boundaries clearly , then be ready to enforce them.


Oh as far as regaining your trust back. That will take as long as it will take. Everyone's timeline is different to heal trust, and may not ever go back to pre-lying days.
Be kind and patient with yourself when allowing yourself to heal. Five months is not that long a time to heal from his betrayals to your trust.
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  #6  
Old March 9th, 2012, 03:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Peaceseeker View Post
He has left the job - just does some contracting for them.
He hurt his wife. Sounds like he's hurting his kids. If he's serious, cut contact with the "role model."
Quote:
Originally Posted by Peaceseeker View Post
No one stuck a gun to his head but he says he doesnt feel like any of it was his choice.
100% BS. Did a bunch of guys hold him down while the girls danced on him? He made his choice.

Have you guys considered counseling?
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  #7  
Old March 9th, 2012, 03:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Peaceseeker
No one stuck a gun to his head but he says he doesnt feel like any of it was his choice.
Quote:
100% BS. Did a bunch of guys hold him down while the girls danced on him? He made his choice.
^^^
Agreed, if he doesn't own his behaviour he can't change it. A person can't change what they don't take any responsibility for.
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  #8  
Old March 9th, 2012, 03:47 PM
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Boots

I agree 100% / like I said I don't even go to these clubs and have not for so long I can't remember when the last time was.

waste of my time and energy.

The issue here is not a lap dance but a overall behavior pattern, even his loser friend is finger pointing and blame shifting.

I don't do drugs, never have and I have been out with plenty of people that do, I count count the times years ago people would say, try it, you don't know what it is why not try it. Well I have never had sex with a buffalo but I choose not to try it.

He is just being weak and wanting acceptance. I tell plenty of people NO, does not bother me one bit. If you are my friend you accept my decision, if not then I was mistaken that we were friends and its see ya time. I have dumped more than a few buddies for things like that.

I have friends or guys I know and like to talk with but I won't go out at times with them because I won't engage in the behavior that they find so much fun.

He must be responsible for himself and willing to fix himself.

Its really that basic.

I am also interested in have they considered therapy
__________________
Don't take the bait.

Find your self respect, if you do not respect yourself
why would anybody else respect you?

unlike fine wine unresolved problems do not get better with age

A wife or girlfriend like a husband or boyfriend can
be changed or replaced your children are yours for
life don't forget them in your recovery
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  #9  
Old March 9th, 2012, 03:52 PM
Peaceseeker Peaceseeker is offline
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He said he just did it to get the guy off his back and that in his drunkeness felt like it was ok because he didnt want to do it and it wasnt his idea. When he sobered up he saw it the same way I see it but it was too late so he didnt tell me about it - he knew it would open a can of worms about the drugs.

He said he was thinking "what am I doing" but kept telling himself its nothing (subscribing to Chevy's take on strippers because that is how the other guu saw it).

We are having counselling. The reason I posted is because I am struggling to get clear on how to proceed. I know its taking too long and everyone here needs me to make a decision (here being my place).

It is all on offer to me now but I am stuck on the betrayal and the "stain".
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Old March 9th, 2012, 03:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Peaceseeker View Post
Healing husband is fine. Its the trespasses that cant be undone that kill it. Or am I too much of a perfectionist? Argh.
Perfectionist? No way.

I'd say you're understandably hurt due to the betrayal. And yeah, another woman's boobs in his hands while you're home looking after the kids is pretty disrespectful and cruel.

I'd be very very upset and would find it extremely difficult to 'get over'.

It'd would take counselling, setting tough boundaries and witnessing long term behavioural changes for me to remotely consider 'getting over it'. Your H participated in some extremely damaging behaviours. It would be difficult to feel safe around him, much less forgive.

Time for tough love, I think. You'll not be happy nor free in this M unless you are.
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  #11  
Old March 9th, 2012, 03:57 PM
Peaceseeker Peaceseeker is offline
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He is willing to fix himself. He is putting a lot of work into it but still says he 'couldnt' say no again because it was too awkward. He says he didnt want to hurt anyone's feelings. I know the answer is obvious what about mine right.
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  #12  
Old March 9th, 2012, 04:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Peaceseeker View Post
I know the answer is obvious what about mine right.
Exactly the question to ask.

I'd not feel safe unless I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the boys and I were top priority above all else. You are asking a very critical question and deserve to know the answer. Talk is cheap, he has to prove himself to you.

I've got 3 boys and know somewhat the pain you must be going through.
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  #13  
Old March 9th, 2012, 04:44 PM
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Quote:
Agreed, if he doesn't own his behaviour he can't change it. A person can't change what they don't take any responsibility for

^ +1
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  #14  
Old March 9th, 2012, 05:05 PM
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chevy1947 chevy1947 is offline
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could you make a list of things he was doing that bothered you

then make a list of what he has done to correct it

just to keep the issue straight for me, correct me if I am wrong:

he stopped hanging out with the boss / friend

he stopped doing all drugs

has he stopped drinking too much or does he get drunk often

he feels bad about the lap dance

he is working on these issues including being able to say no


A word of advice, the best way to avoid temptation is not to put your self in the position of facing it. If you have a drinking issue don't hang out at bars and drink, if you have an issue with strippers then don't go to a strip joint.
__________________
Don't take the bait.

Find your self respect, if you do not respect yourself
why would anybody else respect you?

unlike fine wine unresolved problems do not get better with age

A wife or girlfriend like a husband or boyfriend can
be changed or replaced your children are yours for
life don't forget them in your recovery
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old March 9th, 2012, 05:16 PM
Peaceseeker Peaceseeker is offline
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He doesnt get drunk often but when he drinks he doesnt stop in time. He doesnt have an issue with strippers - he doesnt even like going to strip clubs. He does have an issue with other men telling him what to do and him doing it. He did have an issue with covert contracts which he has since sorted out. Lots of good stuff. It is my stuff that is now the hold up. He has just cuddled me and said its not a race and that i have every right to my feelings. I wish there was some magic thing he could say to make it all better but eqch time i just get back to this act. I feel like I am going quite mental.
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