Trying to forgive NG husband advice welcome

[Peaceseeker]

And yes he was very weak. If you asked him for money he would ask you how much you wanted. A charity he was involved with still owes us $5000 from five years ago. They used it to pay wages. He lent his viiolent cousin's partner $200 but she was exactly where she had chosen to be (repeatedly) and was already claiming welfare. We never got it back. He paid a yard guy $600 in advance for a section clean up and the guy never came back. Not only will he not say no, he will outdo whatever you ask for. Its bizarre.

When we were first tog I pushed him and he never pushed back (shit test?). He said i should not need to be shown his boundaries, i should respect them of my own volition. Should have known then but I just thought that was really deep. Duh

[Peaceseeker]

Btw absolutely no offense taken Chevy, Checked and TaoZen. Bring it on.

[Autumn]

Peace , now it becomes about detachment from outcome for you. You mentioned feeling adrift at sea?
That is facing your fears and letting go of outcome.

I can say from experience, it’s hugely difficult for a young mother to do that. Save self against instinct for your family? Your children come first.

Personally, I went through the motions, until I could get out of my marriage.. Read *fake* for the sake of my family. Until such time, I finally bowed out with my integrity intact. Family, particularly my children’s well-being was paramount for me.
I have no regret today being single, maybe forever at 42 now. I did best by my children, I kept to my values. They are doing really well, and I can rest easy with that. Ex being a friend at the moment, is a bonus.

Now you have a choice, it seems there is no rush. But listen to your body, what is most important to you. It will guide you in the path of no regret.

[Peaceseeker]

Thanks Aurumn. I cant decide. Sometimes in the now it feels good and only revisiting the past alarms. I think its an effort to avoid another shock. I have to keep reminding myself so that I dont get caught off guard again.

You are right ther is a lot of "protect the little guys" going on. Yesterday I thought if we split I will explain to them that I didnt want them to be hurt but that I had to be ok in myself to be a good Mom and not be growly all the time.

[Peaceseeker]

Detachment from outcome. Will ponder that a while.

[Autumn]

Also, get a massage. It will give you some liberation from dudewad crap.

[chevy1947]

Originally Posted by Peaceseeker

. Not saying the meth is easy to get over. Just not the bit I need help with.

why I keep talking about the meth is its complete hold on people and how it can destroy lives / marriages etc.

You might not be worried about it or wanting to focus on it but don't think that worrying about the water pipe that is broken in the kitchen is the most important issue when you have a drum of gasoline that is leaking next to the gas fired water heater.

Originally Posted by Peaceseeker

And yes he was very weak. If you asked him for money he would ask you how much you wanted. A charity he was involved with still owes us $5000 from five years ago. They used it to pay wages. He lent his viiolent cousin's partner $200 but she was exactly where she had chosen to be (repeatedly) and was already claiming welfare. We never got it back. He paid a yard guy $600 in advance for a section clean up and the guy never came back. Not only will he not say no, he will outdo whatever you ask for. Its bizarre.

When we were first tog I pushed him and he never pushed back (shit test?). He said i should not need to be shown his boundaries, i should respect them of my own volition. Should have known then but I just thought that was really deep. Duh

Then your husband needs to stop being in control of money until he can stop trying to buy approval from other people.

We all have helped people and been burned, nothing new with that.

If he is serious then you need to have a rule between you that no money can be loaned or advanced without the other parties approval until he gets his problems under control.

We say this to guys whose wives are having problems it is no different for a husband that is this way. All he has to say is his nag wife controls the money right now and he can't loan money.

Or better yet simple say, NO, I am not in the postiion to loan money nor do I care to.

Saying no has a way of making you find your balls by the way.

[TaoZen]

Originally Posted by Autumn

Also, get a massage. It will give you some liberation from dudewad crap.

^^^^^ Seconded.

[Peaceseeker]

Thanks I have a massage and acupuncture voucher. I will book it this week.

I have a lot of experience with meth users. My brother was heavily addicted and was being stood over by gangs. His wife got sick of the put downs and left. He attempted to hang himself. He had texted me. The police went round there and cut him down. He lived and is now supporting me. My husband was around when all this happened. Brother had to leave town to quit. Brother in law became addicted around the same time and was setting about bexoming a dealer to hide tge financial cost. He quit too.

I get that its a big risk. We have talked at length about what stage he was at. It seems his poison is really weed. The boss has offered it again and he said no. The next time the boss smoked some in front of him. He didnt leave because he said "thats his decision and I said no and I dont have to do it". To me that behavior is problematic because he is still not fully defending his boundaries. He cant even see thatnwhen it is pointed out.

[Peaceseeker]

I was also in control of the finances but it becomes tiresome being the bad guy. Healing the NG stuff feels more of a long term decision. Also he would come home and say he had already promised but ask if I minded. It was a moot point by that point.

For years I have been trying to get him to stick up for us - giving him opportunities to try it. Each time he would be a softy. Eg one tenant left owing us two thousand dollars. I had asked him to take care of it as I was doing all the other financial stuff. I would comment but let him make the decisions. So I ended up taking back the reins.

long term solution not long term decision

[Peaceseeker]

The bossnhad offered it being meth not weed

[Autumn]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QE61B...f25ztm__JtNKvl

[Peaceseeker]

We have a rule that he tells me everything the boss says. He told me the boss said the door is always open and put his hand on H's arm. i had told H that i thought the boss was grooming him for sexual submission and at that point he suddenly realised that might be on the cards. The boss is very proud of his ability to 'turn' straight guys.

[Peaceseeker]

one key line in that song - that they're going to do what they want anyway.

[checked]

We have a rule that he tells me everything the boss says. He told me the boss said the door is always open and put his hand on H's arm. i had told H that i thought the boss was grooming him for sexual submission and at that point he suddenly realised that might be on the cards. The boss is very proud of his ability to 'turn' straight guys.
Reply With Quote

Ok -- Now it makes sense.

Your hubby is a perfect victim and his boss is a predator. Once an abuser can get someone to use something that is taboo-- its easier for the victim to go along with other stuff because they were doing something wrong in the first place. Meth would remove a lot of inhibitions that would normally stop behavior your hubby doesnt do.

As long as the boss is in the picture this aint gonna change. I dont know of very many boss's that would encourage this kind of behavior and still be able to run a business. Are you certain that the boss was behind this --like your hubby says?

As far as the prostitute question -- same thing as the stripper to a guy. Just an appliance. Altho considering your hubbies mentality--he would be the kind of guy to fall for a prostitute. Men and women are different in this area--in general. Thats why male escorts arent as popular as female ones.


One more thought-- what will happen if you kick him in the ass to go through the NMMNG book, do the exercises and he started standing up for himself to everyone....including you? In other words he stands up to you as he see's fit --for his family? Will you follow--and let him lead?