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Old July 23rd, 2012, 04:02 PM
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SCREWED UP. Stimulant drug and perverted porn binge. EPIC SHAME

2 weeks ago i was just cheering and reflecting upon my progress (http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/forum...ad.php?t=26628) and this weekend i kind of screwed up guys.
I kind of abused a little of prescription medication (Ritalin), well i had to take it to do some studying work. But this shit makes me perverted and horny as hell. So i started browsing for porn (for some reason i have my K9 Blocker password so i can freely watch it at the moment), and i masturbated to it. I came like 3 times in these 5-6 hours i watched it.

But it was not the same 'whacking it to porn' like if i do it sober. It was in a peverted and at the same time paranoid high. It was like a perverted trance, and the orgasms were really intense and felt damn good. But immediately after it i felt a huge feeling of shame, unworthiness, less-then-humanness. Just after i came, i wouldn't want to have any human see me. Definitely not women.

I got so 'into' the fantasy and porn images that after the sessions, i could see porn scenes of chicks giving blowjobs on my walls, kinda like light hallucinations. Today (2 days later) i still sometimes imagine the porn scenes in my head, with the moanings and everything. It's like the perverted-ness got imprinted in my head.

Before my recovery work i would fall into this this evil shame-filled masturbation binges on drugs about every 4-5 weeks, after i came from having sex with prostitutes and still didn't have enough. And then i would feel anxious and very shamed for the next 2-3 days, especially around women.

So anyways today i felt a lot of anxiety, intense shame and guilt around women. Since most people at my work are women, i drank alcohol before going to work, i just couldn't imagine appearing there, with my anxious voice and behavior, feeling deeply shamed and acting like i'm guilty of something very bad, for nothing. Since having recovered a lot from social anxiety, i am used to me being relaxed and cool at work, even talking to these women on a daily basis. I'm used to having basically 0 social anxiety at work, the last 3 months.
But Today before going to work, i felt like 6 months ago. Terrified of being around women, having eye contact with them, and having to say something to them. I'm so fucking glad i had these 3 drinks, it smoothed out everything, i could 'act cool' while on the inside i'd still feel the toxic shame.

Also today i visited my aunt (which is like a mother to me because she grew me up) and i was even anxious around her. We are very close to eachother. Normally i feel 100% ok around her. She also knows of my social anxiety and emotional issues of the past. I normally have no issues seeing her, talking to her, looking her in the eyes. She is like my fucking mom. But today at her house, i felt tense talking to her, self-conscious, and had difficulty looking her in the eyes prolonged. It was the kind of feeling that i had done something really bad she cannot know, and i was trying to hide it. I tried to avoid her, and just talk with my uncle. This is really sad actually, that i could feel so anxious around a person i usually am very close and safe with. I didn't have anxiety talking to my uncle.Conclusion: My feelings of shame, guilt and anxiety triggered by this porn/drug binge triggered most anxiety only around women.

I think this is what happened: With my sexual shame (which got multiplied because of the paranoid stimulating edge of the drugs), in my trance-like fantasy where i almost felt like really having sex with these women, i felt like i abused these women by having such a perverted feelings, and i felt guilt over the intesiveness of my orgasm, like i've done something bad to these women. Like i purely abused them maybe.

This is all confusing to me... Because i had a similar scenario happen 2 months ago, and then i talked to my therapist about it, and then afterwards i felt OK again, becaus he explained me how my "perverted feelings" and sexual fantasies were OK, that it was normal to have horny feelings on stimulating drugs, especially as a young man with high libido, and i had nothing to be ashamed of. Imediately after the session i felt normal again, and the next day i felt normal again around the women at my work.


But at the moment my therapist is on vacation, so i can't go for a "I'm OK check" But anyways i think this is an issue i should solve right here or on my own right now. Because i already had 'the good mirroring eyes' of my therapist.I know he finds it OK. I'm not afraid of men knowing about this, only about women. It's all about how i think about it now.

I hope that tomorrow when i wake up to go to work, i don't have worrysome and anxious feelings about having to go to there and be around women. If these feelings still persist tomorrow, i will have to drink or pop a Xanax before going.


Urghhhh.. I hope this hasn't permanently reversed some of my social anxiety around women again.

WHY DO I GIVE WOMEN SO MUCH POWER IN MY HEAD

I'm definitely taking the sex/MB moratorium SERIOUS from NOW ON. I don't want this to happen anymore.. And to RufWarrior, i'm genuinely sorry man! You were right, quitting the unhealthy sexual behavior IS necessary in recovery!
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Old July 23rd, 2012, 09:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YoungNG View Post
2 weeks ago i was just cheering and reflecting upon my progress (http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/forum...ad.php?t=26628) and this weekend i kind of screwed up guys.
I kind of abused a little of prescription medication (Ritalin), well i had to take it to do some studying work. But this shit makes me perverted and horny as hell. So i started browsing for porn (for some reason i have my K9 Blocker password so i can freely watch it at the moment), and i masturbated to it. I came like 3 times in these 5-6 hours i watched it.

But it was not the same 'whacking it to porn' like if i do it sober. It was in a peverted and at the same time paranoid high. It was like a perverted trance, and the orgasms were really intense and felt damn good. But immediately after it i felt a huge feeling of shame, unworthiness, less-then-humanness. Just after i came, i wouldn't want to have any human see me. Definitely not women.
Ritalin is powerful stimulant. I'm not surprised it had this effect on you. I accidentally overdosed on it when I was trying out different ADHD medication (my mom accidentally gave me two and half times the actual dose). I was stuttering for the next week.

The way I see it, you know what you were doing, and what might happen if you did that. You just didn't care. You were procrastinating; trying to see how much you could get away with. You are completely in control of, and responsible for, your actions. You. No one else. It's a tough pill to swallow (no pun intended), but that's human nature.

Quote:
Originally Posted by YoungNG View Post
I got so 'into' the fantasy and porn images that after the sessions, i could see porn scenes of chicks giving blowjobs on my walls, kinda like light hallucinations. Today (2 days later) i still sometimes imagine the porn scenes in my head, with the moanings and everything. It's like the perverted-ness got imprinted in my head.
That's normal after a particularly intense porn session.

I'm going to cut the rest of this quote short, because this is really all I need. Porn is not the problem. Orgasm is. You can watch porn without getting off with almost no effect.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...-way-make-love

The link above explains this in detail. Orgasm is a drug. Thankfully, none of its effects are permanent.
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Old July 24th, 2012, 01:04 AM
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You have to be compassionate to yourself. Worrying has no known benefit anyway.
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Old July 24th, 2012, 01:38 AM
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Don't beat yourself up about it so much, you will make yourself feel worse. The same thing has happened to me a few times while on my ADHD meds. I'm slowly starting to think those pills might be the devil.
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Old July 24th, 2012, 07:31 AM
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O.K., it happened and you want to change this part of yourself. Don't wallow in it... acknowledge it and move on... it's not like you killed anyone or destroyed anything... except a little progress. You have taken two steps forward and now, one step back... but you are still one step ahead... KEEP GOING! DO NOT just give up because of a bump in the road.

It's easy to use this one event as an excuse to say "I can't do this anymore" and let yourself spiral out of control. GRAB AHOLD OF YOURSELF! I mean no disrespect when I say this... as an old football coach of mine used to tell us... "Time to make that load popping sound when you pull your head out of your ass!" And that was ALWAYS said with the love only a respected football coach can give... although that is less funny with the whole Penn State thing... but I digress.

Instead of beating yourself up over the past several hours or days, focus on what you are going to do in the next hour... then the next 12 hours... then the next 24 hours... then the next 2 days... then the next week... and so on, to change it and yourself.
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I have come to the cross-roads in my life. I always knew what the right path was... but I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard! Now here's FOR ME... He has chosen a path. It's the right path... a path made of principle that leads to character...
- Scent of a Woman

"What would you do if you weren't afraid?"
- Who Moved My Cheese?

NO FEAR, NO DOUBT, ALL IN, BALLS OUT!
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Lt Speirs to a NG: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5YpUsDsHmk
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Old July 24th, 2012, 01:17 PM
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I was on ritalin most of the years between ten and 15 years old. But trying better stimilents like Dexis (whatever it was that truckers took to stay awake) and meth, by hearing they could be a great addition to sex I find myself in a weird porn binge myself.

Don't be ashamed. It's like a drunk driver thinking they're a bad driver after they smash their car into a tree. In reality their accident unfortunately is par for the course for many driving. What they and everyone has learned is that MOST people can't drive very well on booze. What that means is when you get drunk don't drive. Drive when you don't drink.

On speed I'll found I got a different orgasm. I know you feel guilt. But what you did was a totally normal reaction. If it's a little guilt you can live with then fine. If it fucks with your head too much then maybe that consequence of that type of recreational drug use is too much for you to handle and you have to quit it.

Last edited by TophFletch; July 24th, 2012 at 03:44 PM.. Reason: Spelled "truckers took to stay awake" with a typo that went "truckers took to stay away."
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Old July 24th, 2012, 02:06 PM
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Thanks for the support guys, really!
I've seen my EMDR therapist today, and told him all my shame about this porn drug binge and sexual fantasies.. Phew.. i feel way better. I feel OK. I felt accepted and normal. He explained me how it's just normal to have sexual behavior, and he's right. I shouldn't be ashamed of it.

Lesson learned. No more PORN at all!! Whenever i really can't resist the urge, now i'm going for healthy masturbation, or a real girl/prostitute. (don't worry i don't feel shame over fucking a real girl). No more porn with wierd fantasies and guilt inducing epic orgasms
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Old July 24th, 2012, 04:39 PM
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Quote:
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Lesson learned.
I notice you didn't mention "no screwing around with drugs when you have no way of know how you will react" as a 'lesson learned'?

Just sayin'...
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I have come to the cross-roads in my life. I always knew what the right path was... but I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard! Now here's FOR ME... He has chosen a path. It's the right path... a path made of principle that leads to character...
- Scent of a Woman

"What would you do if you weren't afraid?"
- Who Moved My Cheese?

NO FEAR, NO DOUBT, ALL IN, BALLS OUT!
- Nickelback

Lt Speirs to a NG: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5YpUsDsHmk
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Old July 25th, 2012, 02:19 PM
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Porn is not the problem. Orgasm is. You can watch porn without getting off with almost no effect.

Stalin had this thing figured out long time ago, that's why he used Stalin's trick to his benefit.
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Old July 25th, 2012, 02:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YoungNG View Post
Whenever i really can't resist the urge, now i'm going for healthy masturbation, or a real girl/prostitute. (don't worry i don't feel shame over fucking a real girl)
Prostitute?
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Old July 25th, 2012, 03:10 PM
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Prostitute?
Noticed that too... "real girl/prostitute"... NOT the same thing...
__________________
I have come to the cross-roads in my life. I always knew what the right path was... but I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard! Now here's FOR ME... He has chosen a path. It's the right path... a path made of principle that leads to character...
- Scent of a Woman

"What would you do if you weren't afraid?"
- Who Moved My Cheese?

NO FEAR, NO DOUBT, ALL IN, BALLS OUT!
- Nickelback

Lt Speirs to a NG: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5YpUsDsHmk
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  #12  
Old July 25th, 2012, 03:38 PM
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Originally Posted by For Me View Post
Noticed that too... "real girl/prostitute"... NOT the same thing...
It may not be the same thing, but what i wanted to say is, that i feel OK after visiting a prostitute.

I don't feel ashamed about it or anything. I find it pretty cool, so it's not shaming. Wether i fuck a girl 'for free' or 'paid' i'm OK with it, i can fuck 10 in a row, and go talk to my friends and family and feel good. Fucking prostitutes does not induce toxic shame in me.

If i messed around with porn and drugs, and after that i go hang around friends and family, especially female, then that's a different story = shame.


@For me, i definitely knew what the effects were gonna be of this drug. I've done this a dozen of times before (especially before recovery, when i was very compulsive). My lesson (that i've already learned since started recovery) should be, just NEVER do any drugs at all, because they are no good. I need to focus on living 100% sober. And i'm doing my best. As you can see in my Success thead, i quit A LOT on the booze. I used to drink 4-5 times more ammounts of alcohol every week than i do now.

So i already know 'Don't fuck with drugs/alcohol!' is my lesson, but i've just fallen into it, a small relapse.

Thanks for the contribution


I'm now continuing my journey on recovery from social anxiety.
Done another EMDR session this week, WOW IT WAS INTENSE. I felt very dizzy, panicky, like i was almost going to faint, during it. It was really intense. It did major good. Every week my anxiety gets better thanks to it
Woohoo..


As i recover from social anxiety, i realize my NG-syndromeness is not of that big proportions. My main issue is social anxiety/adrenaline issues, induced by traumatic drug experiences. NG syndrome is something secondary, that i will definitely deal with, but i also feel it kind of dissapears on itself, together with social anxiety. I haven't even started the BFE's. I just try to keep in mind the following principles with everything i do in day-to-day life:
- No approval seeking, only self-approval
- It's ok to have any emotion, to have any thought, and it's ok to do whatever you feel like doing, even if it's not right
- I have to put my needs first
- Never do something and expect something back. If i want something, i ask it, and if i want to give something, i just give it, and further not think about it.
- It's OK to express feelings of anger, frustration, and to show my weak side sometimes

I'm still a Major procrastinator, but that's another issue. Now i haven't done a big/little me dialogue in like 3 weeks -_- also not one sport session last 3 weeks, i have like 8+ workouts planned weekly -_- FUCK.

Oh wel.. life continues
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