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  #1  
Old March 2nd, 2013, 11:53 AM
NG Poster Child NG Poster Child is offline
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My wife won't admit

I messed up and confronted her too soon. I didn't think it would happen to me. She had everything except a real man. I had gotten really fat and she was running marathons.

We finally have sex the first time in 6 weeks and she gets on top and I go in so easy and super lubricated. I was swimming in another man's fresh sperm because she ran that morning with a friend. She actually asked me what is wrong. Three fucks later and my wife's formerly perfect vagina for me over the last 12 years is where I can barely feel her now.

I can't prove it, but I know who it is. The phone records don't lie. She has been fucking a co-worker at the office. She is super smart and covered all her tracks. Doing nothing out the ordinary. We have three young kids and my soul has been rocked to its core. I can't sleep with her anymore. I am using the 3 month celibacy excuse in the book to avoid intimacy with her. She is worried that I may leave while continuing to deny anything happened.

She told me that marriage was until death do us part. She doesn't want a divorce because she doesn't want to be a single mom raising 3 kids. NOTE: Not because she loves me. Why would she leave me? She gets a lot of help around the house, shopping money and her bills are paid and I am a good father.

I should have known. 15 months ago, she wouldn't have sex with me so I lost 60+ lbs and still no sex. I gained it back and now after what has occurred. I am he'll bent on getting my weight back to college level and normal. I am 50 lbs away from being on the lower end of normal. She is having a hard time with me getting in shape. Worried, I will find somebody else.

How do you forgive someone that won't admit she has cheated? I do not give her any new information. I have made her an even better cheater. We are selling our house for financial reasons and I am cutting back on her money that I give. Once the house is sold, we are going to have a full blown talk about our marriage. No confession=divorce for me. Meanwhile, I am breaking free. I am also going to get in the best shape of my life.

If divorce happens, then I will never marry again. I am refusing to live my life for everyone else but me. I have always done what people wanted me to do. No longer. I am getting in shape for me, and only me!
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  #2  
Old March 2nd, 2013, 01:22 PM
the_untold_history
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you're living proof that men will stick their dick in a woman who is cheating on them. digest that for a second. call it extreme ng call it cuckold call it what you will. this is my theory that people forgive affairs and cheating if they get their needs met. the advice here will probably be disconnect the emotional hose, work on yourself, get some perspective on what you're doing. find some Strength and independence so you can eventually erect some boundaries so as one you won't tolerate cheating (if you object to it). And two you will have the strength to leave a situation that doesn't change.
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  #3  
Old March 2nd, 2013, 02:34 PM
gitch gitch is offline
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I'm not sure if you were venting or asking in your post. At any rate, welcome to the forum. Like most men in here, I'll say it's a shame we weren't meeting under more favourable circumstances.

My first piece of advice to you would be to do what anyone should do when they've had unprotected sex with someone whose sexual history they are unaware of, and that's to consider STDs as your number one cause for alarm. It may be worth getting yourself tested. Second, don't have sex with her while this might still be going on as you don't want to pick something else up. You also don't want her getting pregnant and her trying to pin it as yours.

But that's all chaff to the bigger issue of course, which is her cheating and how you deal with that. I say this to you as a betrayed spouse myself, I fully understand how much something like this rocks you to the core. You can't describe the hurt. As much and all as we all try to be strong and Alpha on here, finding out you've been cheated on is like having your heart ripped out of you, thrown on the ground, and stomped on by the woman who was supposed to be there for you in times of need.

And as if it isn't hard enough having to deal with the fact that it happened, it's made so much worse when your wife won't admit that it's going on. If mine had told me straight up that she was cheating on me, I would have made plans for divorce right there. Fidelity is that big an issue to me. If it was violated after the years of sexual denial she threw at me, separation from her would have been one of the most simple decisions of my life. But, because she gave me trickle truth and I was severely NG about the whole thing, I never really set any boundaries or demands on her. In a relationship where both parties know about the affair (and they both know that each other knows) I think the betrayed spouse probably holds a lot of the power as they can set demands and boundaries. By the time ours got to that stage (where she knew I knew and she had started to admit it) we had started down the path toward recovery and I was too much of a wimp to use the cards I was holding.

But you'll be different, and you've already said that for you, no confession means divorce. I understand that as well. I at least got a confession from my wife. I can imagine if we were supposedly on the path of recovery from an affair that didn't actually happen (even though I found the signs, and told her, and she still denied it) then I too would just be left asking myself could I ever trust anything this woman says every again.

I'll say to you what people have said to me. You can't change her. You can only change yourself. Again, though, looking at how you're talking I suspect you know that far better than I did at your stage.

Stand back and look at the situation you are in and ask yourself if you are happy with your life this way. Ask yourself if you see it improving to the point where you will be happy with it, or whether you need to perform a restructure to change the roles of some of those people in it. If you are not happy with it, what would you need to change?

What do you need in this situation, and how important to you really is a confession? Do you really think it would be enough to change your mind if she admitted she had cheated? If she did admit, do you think she'd work on herself, or would it be a "I cheated on you because I stopped being attracted to you because of r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y and z" where you are to blame, and you are expected to do all the changing while she gets away with breaking the core reason for your marriage? You probably won't know the answer to that, but what I was really getting at is, do you want to try and get proof?
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Currently on a 'conformist behaviour' moratorium.

My relationship does not define me. I am the same person I have always been.

It takes a lot of blood, sweat and tears to create a new normal.

Find your authentic self and be it - derive intrinsic joy from that. Once you're happy intrinsically, the extrinsic things flow a LOT easier.

"Failures in a marriage are 50/50. Any unhealthy behavior she initiated, you allowed. And your unhealthy behaviors she allowed."
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Old March 2nd, 2013, 02:58 PM
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Lose the weight. I'm serious. It is within your control and you need to do something about it.
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  #5  
Old March 2nd, 2013, 03:20 PM
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chevy1947 chevy1947 is offline
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welcome aboard / this is not a head bobbing encounter group as you will find out

this is however a great group of guys who have walked in your shoes.

while what you are going thru is much the same as we have all situations are different.

not all advice you get will work for you

you have to fix yourself, there is no magic short cut.

#1 her actions she owns, if you are in shape or out of shape

#2 stop trying to please her

#3 I want to hear what the other guys think about your problem because I will be honest, I feel for you but something does not sound right to me.

are you telling us the entire story or the readers digest version?

so many guys come on and we start giving advice and we get oh I forget to mention and then the oh I forgot changes everything.

you have to decide what you want.

good luck
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Don't take the bait.

Find your self respect, if you do not respect yourself
why would anybody else respect you?

unlike fine wine unresolved problems do not get better with age

A wife or girlfriend like a husband or boyfriend can
be changed or replaced your children are yours for
life don't forget them in your recovery
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  #6  
Old March 2nd, 2013, 04:00 PM
gitch gitch is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chevy1947 View Post
#3 I want to hear what the other guys think about your problem because I will be honest, I feel for you but something does not sound right to me.
I agree. I'd like to hear the history/timeline. The notion that some someone who has just discovered another man's sperm inside his wife during sex would continue to have sex and not freak out right there seems very odd. As does the notion that a woman would cheat on her husband without using a condom, and would not even clean herself out afterwards. If she's supposedly so good at hiding her cheating, she really screwed up in not hiding the last piece of evidence - and the most critical as well. It stinks after a little while, and most women are VERY hung up with hygiene down there.
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Currently on a 'conformist behaviour' moratorium.

My relationship does not define me. I am the same person I have always been.

It takes a lot of blood, sweat and tears to create a new normal.

Find your authentic self and be it - derive intrinsic joy from that. Once you're happy intrinsically, the extrinsic things flow a LOT easier.

"Failures in a marriage are 50/50. Any unhealthy behavior she initiated, you allowed. And your unhealthy behaviors she allowed."
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  #7  
Old March 2nd, 2013, 04:41 PM
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What do you want?

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  #8  
Old March 2nd, 2013, 05:00 PM
NG Poster Child NG Poster Child is offline
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My wife was fixed after third child. The affair iw with another married coworker that has three kids.

I travel in my job a lot. We grew up in the same neighborhood. Her brother is my best friend and our families are close friends.

I did so much wrong in our marriage. We got married, I was the in shape one and she was about 145 lbs. Now she is 125 lbs and I got up to 313 lbs 14 months ago. She wouldn't have sex with me, so I lost 63 lbs in 5 months. We were still not having intimacy very often so I just focused on work. I had a great year in business. More money didn't work. I helped do so much, cooking, cleaning, bathing kids...

I was an idiot. She has all told me that she needed a real man, which I used to be. I am losing the weight. I will not stop until I look so hot again.
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Old March 2nd, 2013, 05:06 PM
NG Poster Child NG Poster Child is offline
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FYI, I started Jan 2 at 303. Today, I weigh 266. I want to be 210 with 10% or less body fat by Sept. 30!
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  #10  
Old March 2nd, 2013, 05:20 PM
ConfidenceMan ConfidenceMan is offline
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Being thinner is not what makes you a man. You appear to be desperately chasing after her by doing things that you think or that she says will make her attracted to you and happy. This does not work.

You are worked up about an affair. What is your proof? Her "perfect vagina" felt different to to you? Did it not feel less perfect after she gave you three kids than after you suspected her infidelity?

Have you read the book that this site is based upon? How did you end up finding this place?

I am in the camp that this is not adding up. Get a grip. Calm the fuck down. Quite blaming yourself for the moment. Write some clear and concise facts on what causes you to believe your wife is having an affair.
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Old March 2nd, 2013, 06:08 PM
NG Poster Child NG Poster Child is offline
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Phone records going back 14 months, talking and texting almost every time I am out of town on a business trip. A late night phone call on Valentine's Day, calls on her birthday. No sex on our anniversary with most likely 3-4 times together that week and a half. Calls on Saturday and Sunday and after hours.

This is the guy that according to her, she rarely sees at work and talks to 1-2 times a month.

She had all three kids C-Section and had only had sex with two people prior to getting married. Twelve years of being with her, I know it well.

Last edited by NG Poster Child; March 2nd, 2013 at 06:31 PM..
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  #12  
Old March 2nd, 2013, 06:27 PM
NG Poster Child NG Poster Child is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by the_untold_history View Post
you're living proof that men will stick their dick in a woman who is cheating on them. digest that for a second. call it extreme ng call it cuckold call it what you will. this is my theory that people forgive affairs and cheating if they get their needs met. the advice here will probably be disconnect the emotional hose, work on yourself, get some perspective on what you're doing. find some Strength and independence so you can eventually erect some boundaries so as one you won't tolerate cheating (if you object to it). And two you will have the strength to leave a situation that doesn't change.
Exactly what I am doing. Taking care of me for once.
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  #13  
Old March 2nd, 2013, 06:48 PM
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aside for working on yourself which is very important what are you going to do?

Have you thought about confronting the other guy??

YOu don't need any more proof than you don't like the contact they are having and its too much and you feel its not appropriate.

Dont text that or mail him a letter or a fax it shows you are a pussy.

Call him on the phone, that is good enough.

is he married?? if he is marriage and says you are wrong they are just friends then contact his wife and say this is the amount of contact.

I don't know if its my wife or your husband but I told your husband to stay away and I think you should know.

what's the worst thing that can happen?? she cuts you off?

let her piss on moan, you would not be upset if you did not see what was in your face.
trust me I ignored my gut way toooooo long.

confront the other guy, work on yourself, and consult a lawyer to know your rights.
__________________
Don't take the bait.

Find your self respect, if you do not respect yourself
why would anybody else respect you?

unlike fine wine unresolved problems do not get better with age

A wife or girlfriend like a husband or boyfriend can
be changed or replaced your children are yours for
life don't forget them in your recovery
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old March 2nd, 2013, 07:20 PM
RisingAbove RisingAbove is offline
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NG Poster Child, years ago when I suspected my wife was cheating on me, her vagina felt very different to me also.
We went from having sex several times a week, to about once every 3-6 months. Something just didn't feel right about it.
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  #15  
Old March 2nd, 2013, 08:00 PM
gitch gitch is offline
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NG Poster Child, you are talking like this is your 20th post here and we all know your marriage story. We don't. Would you mind telling it to us from the beginning?

What was it like early in the marriage? What was the sex like? Frequency? Interaction between you? What about after kids? How did those things change? How did kids affect the dynamic of your marriage and balance of power/authority? When did it start to slide? Have there been any big events (elephant in the room) that you haven't told us about?

How about your suspicion she is cheating? Can you give us a timeline instead of picking specific events? What did you say when you found out? What has she said back?

These are the sorts of things that make each situation unique, and are vital for us to understand you better.
__________________
Currently on a 'conformist behaviour' moratorium.

My relationship does not define me. I am the same person I have always been.

It takes a lot of blood, sweat and tears to create a new normal.

Find your authentic self and be it - derive intrinsic joy from that. Once you're happy intrinsically, the extrinsic things flow a LOT easier.

"Failures in a marriage are 50/50. Any unhealthy behavior she initiated, you allowed. And your unhealthy behaviors she allowed."
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