Self Soothing

[DrGlover]

At its core, the Nice Guy Syndrome is the manifestation of a deep seated anxiety disorder. Everything the Nice Guy does or doesn’t do involves trying to manage anxiety.

Seeking approval, avoiding conflict, pleasing, caretaking, fixing, playing it safe, hiding mistakes; these are all about trying to keep anxiety at bay.

Nice Guys feel anxious if they think someone is angry at them.
Nice Guys feel anxious if there is conflict.
Nice Guys feel anxious if someone is upset or having a problem.
Nice Guys feel anxious when they make a mistake.
Nice Guys feel anxious when they try new things.
Nice Guys feel anxious when people try to give to them.
Nice Guys feel anxious when they are in the spotlight.
Nice Guys feel anxious when then feel out of control.

Nice Guys don’t like feeling anxious.

In an attempt to manage their anxiety, Nice Guys utilize covert contracts. The Nice Guy’s covert contract with the world looks something like this: If I am good (nice, polite, generous, pleasing, different from other men, etc), then I will be loved and liked, get my needs met (without having to ask), and have a smooth, problem- free life.

When this paradigm doesn’t work, Nice Guys just keep trying harder, doing more of the same. Ironically, since the these covert contracts don’t work, they create even more anxiety for the Nice Guy because he believes he must eliminate anxiety at all cost, and this is the only way he knows how to try and do it.

Here is what Nice Guys don’t understand: Anxiety is a part of life. And, anxiety won’t kill you! Anxiety is part of life and as long as we are moving forward in the real world, we will experience anxiety. Everyone does. It is a sign that we are alive and kicking.

Anxiety doesn’t have to be managed. Fear of anxiety doesn’t have to control us. Anxiety doesn’t have to paralyze us. Anxiety doesn’t have to prevent us from living an exciting, challenging life. Anxiety doesn’t have to prevent us from getting what we want; love, sex, wealth, friendship, comfort.

When working with recovering Nice Guys, I make a distinction between “managing” anxiety and “soothing” anxiety. Managing keeps the Nice Guy stuck in ineffective, dysfunctional patterns. Soothing anxiety allows the recovering Nice Guy to make his needs a priority, have healthy relationships, be clear and direct, be honest, deal with conflict, express his emotions, have integrity, pursue his passions, allow other people to own their own problems, try new things, receive from others, make mistakes, be visible and transparent.

Managing anxiety is about trying to control what goes on outside of you. Soothing anxiety is about comforting what goes on inside of you.

Since we can’t control what goes on outside of us, it makes a lot more sense to work with what is going on inside of us. This is self soothing.

Self soothing is the ability to hold onto yourself and comfort yourself in the midst of situations that make you feel anxious.

So what is self soothing? Picture this. You were 14 years old hanging out at the local swimming pool. Your friends were jumping off the high dive. It looked like fun and you wanted to fit in. So you climbed up the ladder and took your place on the diving board. From this vantage point, you looked down at the water below you. For some reason, it seemed a lot higher from up there than it did from down below. Your anxiety went way up! What do you do? Turn around and climb back down the ladder? You couldn’t do that. There were too many people watching. You had to jump. You didn’t have a choice.

Since you aren’t still standing up there on the diving board today, you must have found a way to talk yourself into facing your anxiety and jumped off the diving board. That was self soothing.

Anxiety comes from a very primitive part of the brain that signals us when we are faced with possible danger. Not only does the part of the brain, called the amygdala, warn other parts of the brain that a threat might be present, it also sends signals to various internal organs to prepare the body to physically deal with the potential threat. This is why your heart beats faster, you get butterflies in your stomach, your palms sweat when you feel anxious.

The amygdala or “lizard brain,” as some call it, does not have logic or language. It is purely an electrical signal to parts of the brain and body. The cognitive parts of the brain have to interpret the signals from the amygdala and decide if the threat is real, how significant it is how, and what needs to be done.

I have found that many Nice Guys seem to have an overactive amygdala. This might be do to heredity -- Nice Guys often report that one or more parents were anxious. Or it might be the result of threatening or inconsistent experiences in childhood when the amygdala was the most developed part of the brain. Either way, Nice Guys often have an overly active amygdala.

Nice Guys don’t seem to be very good at distinguishing the signals they receive from their amygdala. All signals are treated the same. Since all anxiety signals are interpreted the same, Nice Guy tend to react to every anxiety situation the same.

One powerful self soothing tool is learning to distinguish which signals from the amygdala are warnings of a real threat and which are just the response of an overactive “lizard brain.”

Recovering Nice Guys can learn to use the cognitive part of the brain to distinguish real threats from perceived ones. If there is a real threat, run or fight. If is just a perceived threat, identify it as such and tell yourself, “I can handle it.”

“I can handle it” is one of the most powerful self soothing technique you can use. Even when your amygdala is screaming at you, you can keep telling yourself, “I can handle it.” And then take whatever action necessary.

How did you get yourself to jump off that high dive all those years ago? One way or another, you convinced yourself that you could handle it. You soothed yourself and talked yourself into jumping in spite of your anxiety.

And you lived to tell the story.

[huckleberry]

I was searching for a photo of a lizard to punctuate Glover's amygdala theory with something humorous. Along the way, I came across this link by accident. Hmmmmm!

But lest I detract too much, I agree that Nice Guys' feelings of fight-or-flight arise much too quickly... we see conflict in everything. Every time you feel that tension building in the pit of your stomach, perhaps it will help if you just imagine this happy lizard sunning himself on a rock.

Cheers!

[carlo]

I also feel that this is part of the problem, anxiety. Throughout my life I have felt overly anxious in many situations. When I was a child I typically ran if it came to the decision of flight or fight. Moving to a new country did not assist in soothing the anxiety either, but what is done is done. I feel especially at home with many of the anxiety provoking situations that Dr. Glover has illustrated above. But every human feels anxiety when faced with these situations to a certain extent. But NG’s just go over the top on the anxiety. I would have to say that pure mental strength is also the key to sooth anxiety.

Dr. Glover you have made a great situation to sooth anxiety, by reminding ourselves that I can handle it. Do you know of any good material on soothing anxiety? I would think that maybe from what we know now, we can just practice situation that provoke anxieties but use our senses to ease the anxiety.

Carlo

[thatguy]

Everyone has self-talk going on inside their heads. Add the words "I can handle it" to that self talk even if you don't believe it right away. While you are saying that sentence to yourself, you can't think any other words. Eventually "I can handle it" crowds-out other thoughts, creating more peace and confidence.

Adding those words to my self-talk has helped me since June when Dr. Glover mentioned self-soothing in his online course, "Nice Guys Don't Finish Last -- They Rot In Middle Management." I never received soothing words from my parents (quite the opposite), and "I can handle it" was not part of my self talk. Now it is.

[cabesada]

I agree with the idea that the NG behaviors are an attempt to try to "smooth" the experinces of life to reduce anxiety. This maybe an adaption that we learned for our selves at an early age. The work of Jerome Kagan and others has suggested the amygdala to be very reactive in some infants to novelty and surprise. Dr. Kagens work with childhood temperment and its effects may be of interest with regards to the Nice Guy Syndrome.

[focus]

I started applying this to myself immediately after reading it. As soon as I start thinking of anything negative, I say "I can handle it." It's simple and it works. I've noticed that whatever I was about to stress over doesn't seem like such a big deal, or tends to fade away completely.

[fearlessIM]

thank you Dr. Glover for those words. You put my lifelong struggle with feeling like i cant communicate around people, feel free to laugh and joke, my face always feeling tense, always feeling like i cant breath when talking to people, like i cant relax so i just become a "unfeeling robot figure to hide, you put it into perspective . Something is triggering that anxiety telling me " This is not safe", "you will sin", but " I can handle it" and moving forward after assesing is this a real threat or not is very healthy. I am incorporating this into my life, i am 27 years old, and i've heaped up a lot of shit, debt, bad credit, bad habits, dead end job, depression, all because this ANXIETY in my life kept me looking at a STOP sign all my life, full of fear, worries, and never having the balls to attack them. I blame myself for where i am in my life right now, but it wont be better unless i make some changes and move forward and change. So for all that shit, the seemingly huge motherfuckin mountain that faces me is say " I CAN HANDLE IT!"

[brakn2]

This sounds like it would be wonderful if it works. I pretty much gave up for quite a while. 28 years old and feeling like life was just over because of anxiety. I actually became homeless because I was so depressed and just felt that I couldn't face or do anything anymore because the anxiety would rush in and take me out. I just tried to make it go away and find ways to get rid of it and I ended up messing up my life. I felt like if the anxiety was there, I was helpless and couldn't do anything. Like I had to wait to live until the anxiety went away. If saying to myself that I can handle it and using intelect over pure reptilian danger instinct to deal with situations can help me take charge of my life it will be like a miracle for me. So I'm looking forward to trying this new behavior and I have high hopes.

[Mr.Zeph]

Anxiety was a really big one for me. In fact, it ruled my life. I've found that for myself there are three things that have help me reduce it in my life.

The first is to avoid coffee. No joke. When I drink coffee, I feel anxious. I still drink it--but at least I know that my anxiety isn't genetic

The second is to think ahead, be prepared, and be clear on what my purpose and direction is, in any given situation. When you have something to work toward, you have something you can attend to. If you have no direction, it's not unlike dog paddling in the ocean of a situation or circumstance.

The third to to get the experience of facing them. Next time conflict comes up, deal with it on the spot. At first, I sucked at it, and pitched fits. As time continued on and the conflicts were endless, I kept my goals in mind, developed a sense of how these things occur and just learned how to deal with them. Since it's now just short of habitual, the anxiety is strongly reduced.

[sportinrucks]

All my life I've struggled with anxiety and depression and now I see a good bit why.

[jibsheet]

Right on, Glover!

thanks

Jibsheet

[jibsheet]

Right on, Glover!

thanks

Jibsheet

[robek]

I climbed back down the ladder............. I spent the weekend with anxious about work problems, now i know how to stop it. Thanks

[ubermacht003]

I'm
Speculating Here
Though
I'd Say *AnkZiety Is Responsible For
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Too
A Very Serious Matter
Well
I Do Know That It's A Bio/Chemical
With Some Neural Damage That's Really Responsible
It Just Seems
That Angst
Could Develope Into OCD
Or @ Very Least Exacerbate It
Covert Contracts Is What OCD Is All About
Fear

In an attempt to manage their anxiety, Nice Guys utilize covert contracts. The Nice Guy’s covert contract with the world looks something like this: If I am good (nice, polite, generous, pleasing, different from other men, etc), then I will be loved and liked, get my needs met (without having to ask), and have a smooth, problem- free life.

O
And Doc
Best

http://www.soundclick.com/pro/view/0...?BandID=232692


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http://www.soundclick.com/pro/view/0...2&content=song




http://www.ocfoundation.org/#video

[Jarek]

I've been having a relapse lately with anxiety problems, downside is that I have trouble discerning where the anxiety comes from, I've had stomach problems all my life (first ulcer at 15!! :gasp so often when I get anxious my gut starts to act up, yet now if my gut acts up I never know if its due to anxiety or just indigestion!.

anyway, all that to say, Ive started reading "Overcoming Anxiety for Dummies".... yeah one of the dummies books, and it pretty much states everything that the good Doc stated here, just without references to NMMNG of course. I'm not too far into the book but I do feel that it will be able to help and I recommend it for others out there suffering from the same thing.

and yeah, Uber, the book does classify OCD as an anxiety disorder.

HTH
J