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  #1  
Old November 30th, 2006, 01:15 AM
optimist optimist is offline
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How do you cut/weed the bad people out of your life permanently?

How do you cut/weed the bad people out of your life permanently?

I have to remove/delete all of them out of my life forever. I don't want people in my life who want to harm me or use me for their own benefit.

I was thinking about ending these relationships, making it done and final, keeping them out of my life and moving on.

I tried ending bad relationships but these awful human beings won't get out of my life or my mind.
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Old November 30th, 2006, 08:08 AM
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You've asked this exact question at least 20 times since I've been here.

The answer: You cannot. It is impossible. People in this world will hurt you.

Last edited by Ascension; November 30th, 2006 at 08:29 AM.. Reason: edited to make less harsh
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Old November 30th, 2006, 08:20 AM
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I've noticed the same thing optimist, it seems like you just cut and paste your previous posts. Somehow you're going to have to learn to stop being a victim and realize that no one can make you feel anything--you create and control your own feelings. It can be difficult but you have to start somewhere. It gets easier with practice.
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Old November 30th, 2006, 08:33 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by optimist View Post
I tried ending bad relationships but these awful human beings won't get out of my life or my mind.

Its the second of those two that's more important. There will always be bad people in your life. What is up to you as how much you let them affect your mental state.
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Old November 30th, 2006, 11:18 AM
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I will not respond on the number of times you may (or may not) have asked the question in regard to getting unhealthy people out of your life.

The hard part about doing this is identifying who are the unhealthy people in your life, and what it is about them you find objectionable.

Instead of alienating them and yourself, why not try to establish healthy boundaries with them first prior to simply closing the door on the relationship? While weeding out friends and associates is fairly simple, things get a bit more complicated when the people you want to cut out is family.
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  #6  
Old November 30th, 2006, 11:22 AM
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We should have optimist blaming others for his problems as a stickied thread.

Quit being a victim. It sucks.
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Old November 30th, 2006, 11:51 AM
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Actually pretty easy once you commit to it.

Don't call, write, talk or associate with those people.

They key is simply committing to it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by optimist View Post
How do you cut/weed the bad people out of your life permanently?

I have to remove/delete all of them out of my life forever. I don't want people in my life who want to harm me or use me for their own benefit.

I was thinking about ending these relationships, making it done and final, keeping them out of my life and moving on.

I tried ending bad relationships but these awful human beings won't get out of my life or my mind.
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Old November 30th, 2006, 11:58 AM
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The main problem, Optimist, is that you continue to focus on what others are doing to you. Until you really work on changing yourself, it doesn't matter how you cut people out of your life, you will simply attract a new batch of users, abusers and manipulators. If there are a lot of negative people in your life, maybe it's time to look at your own negativity. How do you manipulate or use people? What do you get out of having negative people in your life? (such as feeling justified in complaining about your life, instead of committing to do something about it)
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Old November 30th, 2006, 12:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ascension View Post
You've asked this exact question at least 20 times since I've been here.

The answer: You cannot. It is impossible. People in this world will hurt you.
It is how you react to them: make it worse or turn it around.
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  #10  
Old November 30th, 2006, 06:45 PM
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I am doing the breaking free exercises

I am doing the breaking free exercises so that I do change but this is not working .

That is why I am asking. I think I need to learn to set healthy boundaries and find safe people in my life and remove the bad people. And learnt to distinguish between a good person and a bad person.
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Old November 30th, 2006, 07:36 PM
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OK, take a step back Optimist:

You need to do the BF excercises for you, not for your change, change will come as a consequence of the BF excercises.

Your posting has attachement to outcome written all over.

Relax dude, take a deep breath, change isn't going to come overnight, some people on the OSG have been here for 2-3 years and have gradually worked on their issues, step by step. It won't be any different for you as for me.
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Old November 30th, 2006, 08:37 PM
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Optimist,

You seem like you're going in circles. There's no secret formula that will remove troublesome people from your life and keep them away. Life will keep handing you challenging situations. All you can do is manage them the best you can.

Maybe your problems seem to be overwhelming you. Maybe there's a lot on your plate, but it's not an infinite amount. Don't worry about fixing everything wrong in your life at once. Pick the few things that are most important right now (and sex is not one of them) and work them first. Get more success under your belt, and the rest will be less daunting.

You keep saying that your father (and uncle?) are trying to derail your career. I have kind of a hard time with this, because even parents who are complete flakes almost always want their children to succeed. Just how is your father doing that?
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  #13  
Old November 30th, 2006, 11:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by optimist View Post
I am doing the breaking free exercises so that I do change but this is not working .

That is why I am asking. I think I need to learn to set healthy boundaries and find safe people in my life and remove the bad people. And learnt to distinguish between a good person and a bad person.
Optimist,

I was given NMMNG two years ago by an older friend. I was 19 when he gave it to me.

I read the book; I understood what Dr. Glover was saying. I knew I was a Nice Guy. So I followed the instructions. I completed the Breaking Free exercises. Twice.

Things got better. I got a job at Blockbuster and eventually become an assistant store manager. I started attending community college, where I got straight A's and became the Editor-in-Chief of the student newspaper. So overall, life was good.

But then life happened. Bad things started happening and I didn't know how to handle them.

Low and behold, my life started to suck. My crazy right-wing Middle Eastern parents revealed their hatred for failing them by my not going to Harvard or Princeton and increasing their stature amongst other Muslim families. Every girl I was interested in was completely disgusted by me; my friends were talking about threesomes and I hadn't even kissed a girl yet. My two best guy friends had moved on to their four-year schools with their new lives, friends, and women. The guy friends I sucked up to in high school had moved on; the new guy friends I tried sucking up to at school were impossible to suck up to since I was in commuter school. My newspaper staff was being investigated by campus police as a result of a story we published; I didn't stand up for them and quit. I was still a fuck-up. I was still a Nice Guy.

In October 2005, I got really desperate. School sucked. Women sucked. Friends sucked. Parents sucked. It was as if no part of my life was worth living. No one was nice to me and everyone treated me like crap. If only I had something to...wait!

There was a beautiful girl I was friends with who started attending UCLA. I hadn't seen her in over a year, so she said we should get together. I saw this as a call sign for sex: me being 3000 miles away from my parents, my shitty friends, my school...3000 miles away from my shitty life?!? And plus I'll be in a king-sized bed sleeping next to a beautiful girl all to myself? Double yes!!! I was desperate. I spent $1250 on my credit card. It was the worst and best decision I've ever made in my life.

I went on the trip in November 2005. It all went to hell. She had no interest in having sex with me. She had no interest in kissing me. I didn't understand why she wasn't attracted to me. She said, "One day you'll get it." I had no idea what the fuck that meant, so I took our rental car out to Century City and walked around. I spent about five hours driving and crying around a gigantic city that I had never been to before. I was 3000 miles away from everything I knew. I was on the other side of the fucking country all alone with nothing but a rental Chrysler PT Cruiser and a card to get into my hotel room at the Sheraton Gateway (but that room had LA Girl in it). Even if I returned home, what was waiting for me in Virginia? I had no money, about to get fired from my job at Apple, no supportive parents, no friends, no great grades, no girlfriend, no nothing.

I had hit rock bottom.

On the way back to the hotel, I found a huge shopping center. I ate some food at Johnny Rockets, then started walking around the Barnes & Noble.

Low and behold, there it was: No More Mr. Nice Guy! by Dr. Robert Glover. It was as if fate was trying to tell me something. "Read the fucking book, Nathan!"

I bought the book again using my credit card. I read it from cover to cover at a bench. I decided to stop playing the victim from that very second. I was not going to cry on the way home. I was not going to cry at all about my trip to Los Angeles. It happened for a reason.

That's when I joined this OSG. November 2005.

I'm trying to make a couple of points here:
  • My life didn't change. My attitude did. Bad things will always happen, bad people will always show up, but it's how you handle it that makes all the difference. For example, I sent my boss at Apple an email about when we could meet to talk about me getting promoted two weeks ago. The old me would've done something similar to what you're doing now: play the victim. "Why is this happening to me now?!?" "I've been so good! Why does this always happen to the good people?" "Oh, why am I surrounded around such evil people? How do I get these people out of my life?" The new me handled it well. I set her aside today and asked her in person. She apologized for forgetting and said she would make it up to me by talking to me on Monday. It turned out better for me: I was named #1 in the store two weeks ago; last week, the #2, #3, #4, and #5 salespeople all quit the store as well as a manager. So I have some opportunities to show leadership skills to whoever they hire as replacements.
  • Doing the Breaking Free exercises is not going to magically solve your problems. They aren't some test you take, and if you get to the end, you have a better life. It doesn't work that way. The Breaking Free exercises are a guide to help you stand up for yourself, get your needs met, set boundaries, and get what you want.
  • Age/maturity plays a huge role in this. I was simply not mature enough to understand NMMNG at 19. Even after everything that happened in LA, I wasn't free of the Nice Guy Syndome at 20. I had to get two guys named Midnight and Pinseeker to kick my ass around the curb at 21 to truly understand what was going on. Take, for instance, Koppa. I believe he is 17 or 18. He's very mature for his age. He can handle it.

It's an attitude change, man. It's not just an exam you take and pass. You have to change your mindset.

I can get a better life starting today.

This is what I want. This is how I will get it.

I know I am a good person, and I am the only one who needs to know.

No matter what happens, I can handle it.



All of these are positive statements, coming from a positive mindset. See how optimistic they are? Do you see how much they differ from your posts?

I hope this post brings some kind of reality check to you. I didn't know what you thought about the BF exercises before this, but they are definitely not what you thought they were. They aren't supposed to "work"; they're supposed to make you think and feel.
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  #14  
Old December 1st, 2006, 08:01 AM
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To NoCleverSN, WOW! Amazing post.

Optimist,

Let me quickly address the boundary setting that you are beginning to practice the My Biggest Fear thread.

I may have missed a few posts, but this was the first time I've seen you actually tell someone how to treat you. So let me ask, how did it feel to say that? How angry did you have to get before you said it? And how do you feel about the responses?

You said you want replies that respect your dignity. OK, I'll clarify one thing. The reason I harp on you about asking the same question again and again is that I know you know the answers, and I know that you're capable of acting on it.

Now having your comments in the Biggest Fear thread helped me to put this one into perspective, and I think I have some advice for you. You've said that the Breaking Free activities aren't working. They take time, and certain things present challenges. For Ascension and me it's asking people out. For you, it's setting boundaries and avoiding negative people. But we're not going back to square one, saying "I tried asking someone out, and that didn't work. What else can I do?"

So my suggestion is this. If something happens that upsets you, and reminds you of the negative people in your life, post that, and get it out there. For example, you have brought up the issue of your mother humiliating you in front of your friends. Instead of asking "how do I get rid of bad people?" make a post that says "my mom humiliated me in front of my friend again. I felt so shamed and put down, I wanted to tell her to stop, but I couldn't." Now some people might see that as redundant as well, and so what? It's actually cumulative, and it's not so much for our benefit, as it is your own record keeping. I'm not going to try and give you any more answers, but I will keep repeating that you are capable of getting over this. It may take a number of tries. It might take you getting so pissed off you'd rather live in a shelter than with your parents. But sooner or later, you'll just decide that you've had enough.
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  #15  
Old December 1st, 2006, 09:26 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scoundrel View Post
To NoCleverSN, WOW! Amazing post.

Optimist,

Let me quickly address the boundary setting that you are beginning to practice the My Biggest Fear thread.

I may have missed a few posts, but this was the first time I've seen you actually tell someone how to treat you. So let me ask, how did it feel to say that? How angry did you have to get before you said it? And how do you feel about the responses?

You said you want replies that respect your dignity. OK, I'll clarify one thing. The reason I harp on you about asking the same question again and again is that I know you know the answers, and I know that you're capable of acting on it.

Now having your comments in the Biggest Fear thread helped me to put this one into perspective, and I think I have some advice for you. You've said that the Breaking Free activities aren't working. They take time, and certain things present challenges. For Ascension and me it's asking people out. For you, it's setting boundaries and avoiding negative people. But we're not going back to square one, saying "I tried asking someone out, and that didn't work. What else can I do?"

So my suggestion is this. If something happens that upsets you, and reminds you of the negative people in your life, post that, and get it out there. For example, you have brought up the issue of your mother humiliating you in front of your friends. Instead of asking "how do I get rid of bad people?" make a post that says "my mom humiliated me in front of my friend again. I felt so shamed and put down, I wanted to tell her to stop, but I couldn't." Now some people might see that as redundant as well, and so what? It's actually cumulative, and it's not so much for our benefit, as it is your own record keeping. I'm not going to try and give you any more answers, but I will keep repeating that you are capable of getting over this. It may take a number of tries. It might take you getting so pissed off you'd rather live in a shelter than with your parents. But sooner or later, you'll just decide that you've had enough.
One thing I would do...something I am about to do, is move out.

Seriously. Get the fuck out of there.

How old are you?
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